A Glimpse of the Father

Growing up, I was always a fearful kid. My mom and dad would be the first to tell you that I used to wind up in their room in the middle of the night - not once in a while, but every night. I was afraid of the dark and couldn't fall asleep unless the light in the hallway was on, which would drive my older sister crazy! (We actually used to have lightswitch wars, since her room was on the opposite end of the hallway and there were switches by both of our doors.)

At one point, my dad even pulled out an old twin mattress and slid it under my bed. Each night he would slide it out and lie on it next to my bed until I fell asleep. It was comforting to know that he was there.

I didn't realize it at the time, but his unselfish act set the foundation for the image of my Heavenly Father that I have now. He never made my fears seem silly or told me there was no reason to be afraid. Instead, he cared enough to stay with me, and his very presence made me feel safe.

Now that I have my own kids, one of whom exhibits similar fearful tendencies, I can understand why my dad was willing to lie there night after night, and I know what he must have felt. Many times I have prayed, "God, I don't want him to go through what I have gone through. Please help him to not be afraid. I don't want him to be like me." I want so much to protect my children from any bad thing that could happen to them, any bad thoughts that could trouble them. And I hate the fact that I have absolutely no control over some of those things!

One of the hardest things for me to accept as I have struggled with my fears is that God does have the power to protect us from trials, but sometimes He chooses not to. And that doesn't mean God is not good! On the contrary, God is good all the time, through joys and hardships alike. He has a perfect plan for my life, and the lives of my loved ones, even when I can't see the good. He never promised the life of a Christ-follower would be trouble free. In fact, Christ told us to take up our crosses and follow him. I don't know about you, but I don't want to bear a cross! But when I think of what God did for me - turning His face away from His Son as he hung on the cross and cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" - I realize I have no right to complain about anything I might have to suffer in this world.

Yes, there is pain, sorrow, and even fear in the life of a Christian. But in the darkness, if we look over the side of the bed, there is our Father, and His presence gives us the strength and peace we need to make it through.

Our Boys

These are our boys: Lukas on the left, and Stefan on the right. Stefan turned 8 on April 21 and Lukas will be 6 on May 29. They have served as the catalyst for the life transformation I have undergone slowly throughout the past several years. More about that later.

This morning Lukas was dying to get to school because he was "star of the day." Stefan, on the other hand, walked out the front door with tears in his eyes. Lars drove them to school and promised to find out what was going on. Turns out he's just plain tired of getting up early every morning. Boy, do I understand!

Still, sending your child out the door in tears is heart-wrenching for a mother, no matter how silly the reason for the tears. So I prayed for him, that something special would happen at school today. I just picked them up from school, and he was all smiles. They have what they call "Bravo Sticks," which are basically incentives for good behavior. They accompany the children to each activity throughout the day, and Stefan got to carry them to their praise & worship time today. A small thing, yes, but it meant a lot to him. And it was an answer to my prayer!

One thing I have come to understand on a much deeper level since having children is that God cares about the little things. As a mom, even the little things that concern my children are important to me. How much more, then, does God - who loves them far more than I can even imagine - care about those same little things? No prayer is too trivial, no tear overlooked. How amazing is that? If He cares enough to take care of the small things, I know I can trust Him with the big things. Even the really big things.

Why Fearless Living?

This weekend I was personally challenged by a friend to stop saying "Some day I will..." and start doing it! So, here I go. I love to write, and God has recently given me the desire to write a book - not because I want to become the next great American novelist, but because I believe He has given me a story to share. It's a story of transformation, really, of how He has taken a life controlled by fear and given me victory over the darkness that once consumed me. It's a story of triumph, yes, and of struggles as well. And this is a glimpse of it all: my life in bits and pieces that, when you put them all together, make me whole. It's not a novel, but it is a way to begin. I hope and pray that my experiences can offer encouragement to others who might be longing for even one day of fearless living. I've been there. And I know you don't have to stay there!

Ephesians 1:18-19 - "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe..."