Happy Birthday, Lukas!

Eight years ago today, I welcomed my "baby" into the world.

Lukas has brought so much joy into my life, I can't even begin to express what a blessing from God he is. He is so loving and caring, very thoughtful and always thinking of other people. I can already see the gift of encouragement emerging in him, even at a young age. It's no wonder all the girls at school loved Lukas! (The blond hair and blue eyes help, too, I think.)

This was a very unusual day for me - hard in some ways and really good in other ways.

My family got together back in Michigan, and it was hard to realize they were all enjoying the day together and we were not there. My mom called Lukas this morning from my sister's house, so he was able to talk to his grandparents and cousins. I think that meant a lot to him. He also got to talk to his grandparents on the Carlson side of the family. But even though we had celebrated his birthday with the family before we left, it was hard for me to realize he couldn't be with them on his birthday.

Then, we went to the "Deerlodge" (Youth Haven's dining room) for dinner, and our cook had made Lukas a birthday cake. Our Children's Program Director called him up to the front and all the staff and Ranchers sang "Happy Birthday" to him. The staff had all signed a birthday card for him, too. He was so happy that they had made such a fuss about his birthday.

I want so much for my kids to be happy. One of the biggest struggles for me regarding our year-long move to Arizona has been moving the boys so far away from our family. They're used to seeing their grandparents all the time, so this is a big change for them. I know they miss them, and that's not easy for a parent.

But I know we are doing the right thing. That has been reaffirmed to me so many times. It's almost as if I can feel God putting His hand on my shoulder, saying, "I know this is not easy, but I am with you. Just trust me, and I'll fill you with a joy you never knew was possible."

The way the staff responded to Lukas' birthday was just one example of that. It was such a blessing for me to see them love him and make him feel special today. No, we don't have our biological family here, but we have the next best thing. We have brothers and sisters in Christ, and we really are a family.

This evening, Lukas told me this was his best birthday ever. I'm so thankful that he's happy on his special day!

Homesick

I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling particularly homesick today.

I miss my mom and dad and the rest of my family back in Michigan. I miss worshiping at our church. I miss our friends from Lansing Christian. I miss green grass and planting spring flowers.

I really do love Arizona, and I am excited to see God's plan for the Youth Haven ministry out here unfold. I am still in awe that He would choose to use us as part of that plan.

But I'm still homesick. Change is hard. There is so much that is unfamiliar to me here. And as much as I do love it here, this place is not my home.

It's not surprising that I feel this way. I've always had a tendency to get homesick. On more than one occasion I had to be picked up from an attempted sleepover at a friend's house late at night. I got so homesick at Camp Barakel in 6th grade that I cried for the entire week. (My poor counselor!) So I fully expect to have days here and there when I miss home.

People say that "home is where you hang your hat," but I haven't necessarily found that to be true. Roots have a way of going down deep and refusing to be pulled out. It's hard, this moving on and leaving a part of you behind.

So this is what it means to follow Christ. It is being willing to go whenever and wherever He says to go. Being willing to put 2,000 miles between my parents and me. And committing wholeheartedly to His supremacy in my life.

Jesus said, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head" (Matthew 8:20). He is providing me a nice home, albeit one that is much farther away from my family and friends than I prefer to be. He is not asking too much of me. He will never ask too much of me. And in the scope of what He did for me, I don't think anything He could ask would be too much.

The truth is, whether I am in Michigan or Arizona, this world is not my home. I am blessed to know that my husband, my kids, my parents, and my siblings all know Christ. Someday we will live together forever in heaven. We will see Jesus face to face. And I will never be homesick again.

Interceding

This evening, God reminded me that He is much, much bigger than the molehills I constantly make into mountains.

Lars took me on a date this evening, and we went to see a movie. As we were coming out of the theater, I thought about the fact that Lukas' birthday is Saturday and we got him an iPod. I knew that Lars had wanted to get him a case for it, too, but we hadn't gotten it yet. I hadn't really planned on going to Best Buy, but since it was right near the theater we decided to stop quickly and pick up a case.

When we parked in the Best Buy parking lot and I got out of the van, I noticed there was someone sleeping in the backseat of the car parked next to us. I thought it was a little odd, so I mentioned it to Lars. We also noticed that there was an ambulance parked in front of the store, and just as we were walking up to the front doors, the EMT's were walking out. They had apparently just bought something from the store and were heading back to the ambulance.

Lars spoke up and told them about the guy sleeping in the car, so the male EMT went over to check and make sure he was okay. While he was talking to the guy in the car, the woman who appeared to be his partner was standing next to us and got a text message on her phone. She immediately walked over toward the ambulance, sat down on a bench nearby, and put her head in her hands.

Meanwhile, her partner wrapped things up with the guy in the car, told us everything was okay, and we went inside the store. But I couldn't stop thinking about that woman and the text she had received. I didn't know what was going on, but I felt prompted to pray for her.

Over the next several minutes, I kept praying for her and whatever situation was going on. I still don't know what happened, but God knows. When we pulled out of the parking lot, she was still sitting there with her head in her hands, and her partner was sitting beside her.

I was reminded of something Donna Partow said at Youth Haven's Ladies' Days last year. She said, "when God wants to intervene, He looks for someone who will intercede." As I thought about all the tiny little details that came together so that I was standing by that woman at the moment when she got that text... the unexpected stop at Best Buy, the guy sleeping in the car, the EMT's walking out at the exact moment we were going in... I realized that God had orchestrated that moment so that I could intercede for her.

I am so thankful that God would use me. And that He is big enough to fit together all the pieces to put His plan in motion. I want to be the person He looks for, the person who will intercede when He wants to intervene in someone's life. I am still praying for the woman I saw tonight, and I know that He will make His presence known to her.

A Visitor

A tarantula came to visit us tonight. It was our first sighting of the year. This is inside our garage, thankfully not in the house! Lukas said, "Can we keep him?" Lars thinks it's cool. I do not.

I love Arizona, but I'm not fond of the idea that there are creatures lurking in the shadows that could harm my family or me.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I was afraid of the dark as a kid. I still don't particularly like dark nights, and now I find myself wondering what is crawling around that I can't see... God is challenging me in new ways to rely on His strength!

Life Learning

Life is such a learning process.

I am discovering as I get older that the learning never stops, even when it has been 13 years since my college graduation. (Am I really that old?) And I am finding that we learn much more by experience than by the study of textbooks, at least practically speaking. Memorizing facts and reading about language and history can teach us a lot, but it's the life learning that makes us who we are.

My latest educational endeavor has come with learning how to live in Arizona. Although we are in the same country, there are definite differences between living in Michigan and living in Arizona. Here are a few of the things I have already learned:

• Water is as necessary as air out here. The rule of thumb is that you are supposed to drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces of water each day. That always seemed like a lot of water to me. Until this week. Now 1/2 my body weight doesn't even seem like enough. I have developed a deep affection for water.
• Do not wear black. At least not outside.
  
• You know those white, fluffy clouds that look like huge cotton balls floating in the sky? We don't have those here. The sky is pure blue, as far as the eye can see.
• King snakes are good. They kill rattlesnakes. King snakes are my friends.
• "Experts" in skin care say you should use sunscreen on a daily basis. Out here, you reapply it multiple times per day.
• The insects and arachnids, aka "creepy crawlies," look different and are generally much larger varieties in Arizona. But so far I have not seen a single mosquito.
• I have never loved my Mary Kay moisturizers more than I do now.
• Fruit and vegetables don't grow fuzzies on them if you keep them around too long. They just dry out.
• Landscaping in Arizona looks much different than it does in Michigan. Not only do we have to plant things that don't require much water, we also avoid low-to-the-ground bushes and shrubs that provide hiding places for unwanted critters like rattlesnakes.

I'm sure there will be a lot more education coming my way over the next year. I had a conversation with Stefan yesterday regarding the snakes, scorpions, and tarantulas. I told him it's good to be cautious, but we don't need to be afraid. We trust that God will protect us and work out His perfect plan in our lives. It's a piece of advice I've been giving to myself as much as to my son.

Our Trip to Arizona

An RV trip across the country is a fantastic way to spend time with your family. We had a great experience on our trip to Arizona, and so many people have told us we'll be grateful someday that we bought the RV when our boys were young.

Before we left, a friend loaned us the movie RV and we watched it. I have to be honest, there were a few times on the trip that we cracked up laughing because we felt like we were in the movie. But there was one line in the movie that has stuck with me. When the Robin Williams character explains to his wife why he has canceled their Hawaii trip and rented an RV instead, he says, "I'm running out of time with my kids."

Granted, he was not fully telling her the truth. But we have seen the truth in that statement as we have watched our little boys turn into 8 and 10 year old boys. They are growing up quickly, right before our eyes. The time to do these fun things and create these kinds of memories is most definitely now!

So, here are a few pictures of our trip.

The first night, we stopped at Camp Lakewood Campground in Effingham, Illinois. We made sandwiches for supper over the campfire, using the pie irons the boys got for their birthdays. Then we made s'mores, their favorite.

This was one of our RV experiences, when a couple who was camping nearby came over with wood to help us get our fire going. They were very friendly, very helpful, and very much like an older version of the Goernickes from the movie. (If you haven't seen it, now you'll have to go rent it so you know what I'm talking about.) I think they would have talked our ears off if the delivery guy hadn't arrived with their food.

We discovered that you can't really put in a 10-hour day of driving in an RV if you want to stay in a camp- ground, because most of them close their offices by 7 or 8 p.m. We didn't mind, though, because we really enjoyed our evenings together. The second night, we stopped at a KOA in Joplin, Missouri. They had a pond with huge catfish and turtles that you could feed. The boys had a blast. They're at such a great age, when they have some independence, but they still think it's cool to hang out with Mom and Dad.

The third night, we stopped at another KOA in Amarillo, Texas. Staying in an RV park is quite different from camping in a State Park in Michigan. You're pretty close to the other RV's, and most of them don't have campfire rings for you to use. This KOA had a great playground for the kids, though, and even a little doggie playground. They also delivered pizza right to our RV. This picture doesn't show the campground, but I love it because the boys laughed a lot on this trip, and I think I captured it well.

The last night we made it to Gallup, New Mexico. It was extremely windy all the way from Albuquerque to Gallup, with gusts up to 50 mph. The winds were still pretty strong when we stopped. I hadn't really prepared for the fact that we wouldn't be able to cook our suppers over a campfire every night, so the hot dogs I had brought remained in the fridge and we ran to Taco Bell. Then the boys played on the playground for a little while, but it was too windy to stay out too long, so we took advantage of the park's Cable TV and watched Scooby Doo.

Our final day of driving, we took a route that we had never taken before. It was through the mountains, and it was beautiful. I always love driving across the country and seeing how amazing our God's creation is. Arizona is so very different from Michigan, but they each have their unique beauty.

There were a few points when the driving was pretty intense for Lars, but we definitely saw God's protection and His hand at work in our lives throughout the trip. Just after we got through Oklahoma, they had devastating tornadoes rip through. Then, after we arrived in Arizona, we discovered that I-40 had been closed due to terrible storms, and that was the route we would have taken if we hadn't decided to take the more scenic route through the mountains. We are so grateful for God's protection and provision for us.

I can't begin to describe what a blessing this vehicle is to us. Instead of eating at fast food places, we were able to stop at truck stops and make our own lunches. A couple times we even fired up the generator so we could use the microwave. No hotels - we slept in beds that no one else slept in the night before. And we never had to use public restrooms the entire trip!

One final shot - Lukas watching Shrek in 3-D. This was too cute, so I had to include it.

My Story, Part 2

This is Part 2 of my testimony. If you haven't read Part 1 yet, please read that post first. I believe God has given me this experience so that I might be able to offer hope and encouragement to others who are going through similar circumstances. So, here is My Story, Part 2...

Some people have more of a tendency to worry than others. My mom and my husband are alike in their ability to just trust God and leave it at that. There's no point in worrying over what we can't control anyway, so why borrow trouble? They seem to take everything in stride. Why can't it be so easy for me?

The problem is, we have a hard time understanding each other when it comes to fear and anxiety. Lars has earned a lifetime of my gratitude for sticking with me and supporting me through all of this, but he has never really been able to understand my struggle.

My dad, on the other hand, knew exactly what I was going through. He, too, has had to overcome worry. I've always been "Daddy's girl," even from the time I was a toddler, and I think it's because I am my Dad all over again, only in female form. My dad is also one of the most godly men I know, so when I decided I had to face this battle head-on, he was the first person I called.

I was actually surprised when he suggested making an appointment with my doctor to discuss the physical symptoms I was experiencing. My doctor listened to everything I had to say and then recommended two different types of medication to help: one that I took every day and one that I took only when I was having a panic attack.

I share this part of my story for two reasons. First, I did not want to resort to medication because it felt like then there must really be something wrong with me. There tends to be a negative feeling about medications that target what could be considered psychological symptoms. If you are in my shoes, do not tell yourself that lie! There is nothing wrong with taking a medication your doctor deems medically necessary, and relying on medication doesn't make you a bad person any more than taking insulin makes a diabetic a bad person.

The second reason I share this is because it was an important step in my realization that I couldn't conquer the fear and worry on my own. No, the medications did not solve all my problems. They were expensive, and they had side effects. But they did help control the physical symptoms so that I could, with a clear purpose and focus, examine what was lacking in my spiritual life and causing such irrational emotional responses.

My dad was an important part of this process, too. He insisted that I had to be spending time reading the Bible, and quite honestly I had let my daily Bible study slip. He suggested the book of Ephesians as a good starting point, and we took one section at a time. He would call me every week and we would discuss what I had read.

As I read through that book, which I had read through many times before, God opened my eyes to the truth of who I am in Jesus. I realized that I did not doubt God's sovereignty. I knew He was sovereign and in control; I had been taught that my whole life. What I doubted was His goodness. I knew God had the power to protect my children, but I wasn't sure that He would. I was afraid His will might be different from my will.

The truth I saw in the book of Ephesians was twofold:

1) He chose me before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight, and He did this in love. The God who created the universe loves me enough to choose me as His child and forgive all my sins, even though it meant sending His Son to die on the cross! I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my kids because I loved them so much, and yet God was willing to sacrifice His own Son for me. If He loves me that much, how can I question His good and perfect will for my life – or for my children?

2) When I accepted Christ as my Savior, I was washed in His blood and received access to the power that raised Him from the dead. I know that in myself I do not have the strength to endure the hardships of this world. But I do not have to be strong in myself, because the power of Christ in me enables me to handle anything that comes my way. God will not allow anything to happen in my life that He will not also give me the strength for.

Once I realized that my fear and worry stemmed from a refusal to submit to God’s control in my life, I confessed that. Knowing I was in a spiritual battle, I began to pray for victory over Satan. It definitely didn’t happen overnight, but I am happy to say that God delivered me from that dark time in my life. I am no longer taking medication, and I have not experienced a panic attack in over four years. I know the reason is that I have surrendered to God’s will and rely on His strength from day to day.

I can't say that I am now 100% worry-free. But I'm not sure I want to be, because that tendency to worry is what keeps me dependent upon God. I am grateful for this experience in my life, because it has taken me to a whole new level of intimacy with my Heavenly Father!

My Story, Part 1

It never ceases to amaze me how God can take someone as messed up as I sometimes feel and use me.

Last Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I had the privilege of sharing my testimony with over 400 women at Youth Haven's Ladies' Days. Now, I really don't like speaking in front of people. In fact, my initial reaction to the prompting I felt from God was like Moses: "Please send someone else!"

But as I have begun to share my story with people, I have been overwhelmed by the response I have received. Women who thank me for sharing and letting them know they're not alone. Women who appreciate being told that it's okay to have struggles and problems, and that God can get them through.

So, I am re-posting my testimony, which I originally posted a couple of years ago, for those who haven't yet read it. It's long, so there are two installments. Here is the first...

Darkness. I've always been afraid of it, of the unknown lurking out there just beyond what my eyes can see. When I was a little girl, I shared a room with my older sister for a while, and I remember night after night lying in bed and looking over at her. Watching her sleep, I would think to myself, "When I'm big like her I won't be scared anymore."

Only, growing up didn't automatically take away the fear.

I am naturally prone to worry. I don't know what it is about our genetic makeup, but that seems to be a common trait in my family. I'm at least third generation worrier. But I had no idea how fear could control a person's life until I had children of my own.

My mom thinks it stems from an experience I had as a young child, and I think she might be right. When I was four years old, my baby brother developed spinal meningitis. He spent several nights in the hospital, and he was not expected to live. Praise God, his little body was miraculously healed and today he is a healthy guy with two boys of his own. But as a four-year-old, realizing my little brother was so sick he could die was a pretty traumatic experience. And although my parents and grandparents tried to protect my sister and me from the bleakness of the situation, I think we were quite aware of what was going on.

It makes sense, then, that when I had my own children I was terrified of every little illness. It all came crashing down on me when Lukas was about five months old and Stefan was two. A stomach virus went through our family, and I completely freaked out. For months afterward my nerves were on edge. Would they get sick again? What would happen if they did?

I couldn't sleep; I would just lie there and listen for any little sound over the baby monitor. I would get up repeatedly throughout the night and go into their room, just to check and make sure they were okay. I would hover over them during the day, my heart racing at any little out-of-the-ordinary thing I might notice. Or think I noticed.

Then the panic attacks began. My heart felt like it would pound right out of my chest. I could hear the ocean in my ears, like I was holding one of those shells up to both ears, only magnified a thousand times. I would get so hot that I would actually get sweaty as though I had just been working out. And my stomach would be in knots.

The most frightening thing about a panic attack for me was the complete loss of control. As much as I told myself the boys were fine, I was completely overreacting, I could not talk myself out of what I was feeling. I could not calm myself down. There was a physical response to my emotional stress that was beyond my ability to control.

As a result of all of this, doing things and going places became frightening to me. What kind of germs would my boys come into contact with? Would it make them sick? It would have been so easy for me to lock myself up in our house and never go out again.

There were times when I did lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the bathtub, crying. I didn't even want to be with my children anymore, because by my irrational way of thinking, the only way to stop worrying about them was to get away from them. It was, without a doubt, the darkest time I have ever experienced in my life.

And then, one Sunday, our pastor spoke about those whining and complaining Israelites. They mumbled and grumbled about having no food in the desert, so God sent them manna from heaven. The strict command was to gather only what they would eat in one day, except on the sixth day. That day, they were to gather enough for the seventh day as well, so it could remain a day of rest. Well, some of them obeyed God's command, but others hoarded the manna, gathered too much and kept it until the next day. When they awoke, the manna they had kept was full of maggots.

I thought to myself, "Those stupid Israelites! God told them exactly what they needed to do. After all the miracles they had seen him do, didn't they trust that he would provide for them the next day, too?" Then it hit me, right between the eyes. I was just like they were! Here I was, passing judgment on them, when I was not able to trust God to provide, protect, and care for my family day to day - even after I had witnessed His care and provision time and time again.

It was then that I realized I was in the midst of a spiritual battle. Satan was trying to destroy my family, and at that point, he was winning. I resolved that I could no longer live in darkness and let Satan have the victory over my life and the lives of the people I loved the most.

I had no idea what to do, but at least I knew I had to do something. I was ready to run into the light and never look back!

(To be continued...)