Even If

A few years ago, I participated in a Beth Moore Bible study of the book of Daniel. One of the sessions that particularly spoke to me was the session on Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

If you were raised in the church, you know this story from Daniel 3. And if you're like me, every time you've heard this story, you've probably focused your attention on that Fourth Man in the fiery furnace and the wonderful and miraculous thought of three humans walking around in a blazing furnace without being burned. It's absurd, isn't it? I mean, when they came out, there wasn't even the smell of fire on them! I've sat next to a campfire and I know how that smell lingers. But our God is just powerful and amazing enough to do what seems absurd to us!

There's another part of this story, though, that I overlooked for many years, until Mrs. Moore brought it to my attention. It starts in verse 16:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do  not  need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

Even if He does not. Even if He does not. I know my God is powerful enough to save me. To deliver me. To rescue me from this trial. But even if He does not, I will worship Him and Him alone.

I've written some previous blog posts about my journey to healing after my dad passed away, just shy of two years ago. Through that experience, I have come to a deeper, fuller understanding of the goodness of God, even when life is hard. I am clinging to that goodness now as I walk through another valley.

On Thursday, October 23, my mom was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia with Motor Neuron Disease (ALS). For the past several months, her mental health and physical strength have been declining. We spent months searching for answers - partly because we had to fight tooth and nail with her insurance company to get an important test approved, which delayed the diagnostic process, and partly because her first symptoms were dementia symptoms, and most patients with this disease present with ALS symptoms first.

For a long time, I just wanted answers. I thought, no matter the diagnosis, it would surely be better just to know. Now I find that knowing the diagnosis makes it more difficult to simply enjoy the moments I have with her, without thinking about what lies ahead. We can expect to see the same physical symptoms that an ALS patient experiences. However, with the added component of frontotemporal dementia come additional complications. This disease also progresses more rapidly than either ALS or FTD alone. The neurologist feels we are looking at anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.

So what do you do when you’ve prayed for a miracle and the miracle doesn’t come? When you’ve poured out your heart and stripped your soul bare before Him and His answer was not, “Yes, child, I will do that for you,” but simply, “I understand”?

This is not what I prayed for. This is exactly what I prayed would not happen!

I don't like being helpless. I don't like watching my mom fade away and lose her strength. I don't want to think about feeding tubes and wheel chairs and ventilators. I don't want to face the possibility that she might forget me. I want it my way. I want her to be the way she was before this nightmare began. I’m the persistent, begging child and God is the Father who knows the better way.

So what do you do? You make a choice. I have to make a choice. I serve a God who is big enough, strong enough, and powerful enough to speak a word and heal her in an instant. But even if He does not, I will worship Him. Serve Him. Love Him. Because whatever happens to me in this life - whatever happened to my dad, whatever happens to my mom - does not change Who God is. It doesn't change His goodness.

I love my mom. God loves her more. He is holding her in the palm of his hand. I am helpless. He is not. He will be her strength when she has none. He will be my strength, and my sister's and my brother's, when we have none. I trust in His power to heal, and I choose to trust in His goodness even if He chooses not to heal her physical body. His ways are higher than mine. His purpose is greater than I can even comprehend. His love never fails.

John 16:33 - “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”