Green, White, and Grandpa

I always look forward to Saturdays.

On Saturdays, I can sit around in my pj's and enjoy a cinnamon roll with my coffee. There's no hurrying to get dressed and ready to start school. I don't have to juggle my time between teaching the boys and keeping them to task, making sure all my work for Youth Haven is done, and keeping up with household chores.

And Saturdays during this time of year mean college football.

I am a Spartan fan to the core. In my family, we bleed green. I love the green, the white, and the familiar sight of Sparty energizing the crowd on the sidelines.

I'll admit, I've taken my share of razzing through the years. Growing up in Saginaw, we were just about the only Spartan fans around. On many Sunday mornings after U of M had beaten MSU, we would awaken to find our front lawn, bushes, and giant cottonwood tree littered with toilet paper. Apparently the youth group at our church took great joy in letting us know their team had played better than ours. One year, we actually counted 52 rolls of toilet paper!

(So for those of you who question why I so dislike U of M, now you know. And we didn't TP a single house when State beat U of M in the 1988 season and went on to win the Rose Bowl!)

I love to watch the guys in green and white play their games. But I'm a Spartan fan for a much greater reason than the athletic program. I'm a Spartan fan because of my grandpa.

When I was a kid, Saturday mornings didn't mean coffee and cinnamon rolls. They meant Grandma and Grandpa's house, Sunny Delight, and jelly doughnuts from the IGA. Grandpa would get up early in the morning, before we even woke up, and run up to the IGA bakery for the freshest doughnuts. On some Saturdays, he would make us pancakes. He was quite a gifted pancake artist. Grandpa could make those pancakes into any shape we asked for.

We would eat our pancakes or jelly doughnuts, watch 3 hours of Bugs Bunny, and then the football games would come on. Even as kids, we loved to watch the games, and we always cheered for the Spartans. Grandpa hung a giant green flag with a big white "S" in the middle of it on the front porch every game day. That flag was draped over his casket for his funeral when he passed away.

My Grandpa Kirkland worked for Michigan State for 33 years. As a part of their maintenance staff, he would often be needed on the campus while we were at their house for a visit. Sometimes we would get to go with him, and I loved those times.

I remember walking into the Union Building and feeling like it was the biggest building I had ever been in. He showed us the ballroom one time, and I felt like Cinderella waiting for her first dance with the prince in the palace.

I grew up loving the beauty of the MSU campus - the Red Cedar River, Beaumont Tower, the impressive statue of Sparty, the ivy-covered brick buildings. As a family, we stood on the sidewalk to watch the homecoming parade in the fall. And in the spring, nothing equaled the colors and fragrances of the blossoming flowers and trees.

Michigan State became important to me because it was important to him. And he was never too busy to include us in what was important to him.

My kids never got to know my grandpa. He went to be with Jesus just after I found out I was expecting Stefan. I miss him, especially when I watch the games or visit the MSU campus. He was a pretty special guy, and he helped shaped the person I am today.

And my love for all things green and white is only one of the things he passed down to me. I also give him much of the credit for my love of music, and I have wonderful memories of dancing and singing while he, my dad, and my great grandma played their guitars and harmonicas. Most importantly, he passed down an unwavering faith in Jesus Christ that I always saw lived out in his life.

So the next time you see me in my Michigan State shirt, you'll know why I wear it. Yes, I wear it to support my team. But I also wear it for my grandpa.

The Technology Curse

I believe we are a society cursed by technology.

I'll admit that the advances in technology have made many of life's conveniences possible. I am able to work from home while home schooling my kids as a result of technology. I can e-mail my parents, put pictures of the boys up on Facebook for them to see, and chat with them live and direct on Skype, even while we're 2,000 miles away. I appreciate that.

But with those conveniences have come increased expectations. Our time is monopolized by cell phone calls and e-mails. We can be interrupted at any time, any place. We work longer hours, and the distinction between "work" and "home" is virtually nonexistent.

Technology is also teaching our children to be discontent.

Last Christmas, Stefan asked for an iPod nano. He loves music, and this allows him to listen to some of his favorites through headphones, which can be a good thing when you don't care to listen to the Charlie Brown soundtrack for the fifteenth time.

Once Stefan had one, it was only natural for his brother to want one. So... he got one for his 8th birthday this past May.

Unfortunately, Stefan's iPod went for a swim in the washing machine yesterday and drowned. He had left it in his pants pocket, which were lying on the floor in his room. I grabbed them up and tossed them in, not thinking to check pockets first. Lesson learned!

Since it was primarily my fault, I told him I would replace the nano. The problem is, Apple just came out with a brand new version of the nano. It's smaller and has a few different features than the one Stefan and Lukas have.

There is also a new iPod touch, which has even more features and fun games you can play.

And suddenly, the old iPod nano isn't so great anymore. Stefan wants an iPod touch, which costs more and includes Internet access. We've strictly prohibited unsupervised Internet access, and we also can't afford the extra $80 for the upgrade. At the same time, since Stefan is getting a new nano, Lukas now wants the new version, too.

I find all of this exceedingly frustrating, especially given the fact that we have been going through Larry Burkett's Money Matters for Kids recently. We've talked about the importance of being content with the blessings God has given us instead of always wanting more.

So how do we encourage our kids to be content when they are constantly bombarded with the message that they need more? "This thing is better than the one you have. You need it or other kids won't like you as much." And suddenly they define their worth by their stuff.

Whatever happened to the days when families found their joy in just being together? No cell phones interrupted dinner. No televisions, billboards, or magazine ads told them they weren't good enough because they didn't have certain things. And yes, they worked long, hard hours, but they did it together and enjoyed each other's company in the process.

These days, computers have replaced conversation. And every 6 months a newer, better version of something is released that we just have to have if we are anyone important.

Does anyone else find this disconcerting?

I am realizing more and more how contrary this world is to the life God calls us to lead as a follower of Jesus Christ. I, for one, am going to thank Him for blessing me so bountifully and commit to being content. And I'm going to keep teaching my kids to store up their treasures in heaven. And maybe turn the TV off.

My New Quest

I like to have a plan. I thrive on schedules, routines, and organization. I like to think ahead and know what's coming next. If I can plan for it, I can handle it.

So it seems that we are finally getting into a routine here in Arizona. We are working on home schooling Monday through Friday, and I keep the boys to a daily schedule. They seem to like that, too, and they both keep close tracks of the times I have posted on their whiteboards for each subject. We have found a church out here, and I am actually going to be singing on the worship team for the first time this week. The boys love their Sunday school classes and will also be starting a Wednesday evening boys' program called "Knights of Faith" next week. The fall program at Youth Haven has also started, so we are leading worship in chapel and having meals with the kids on the weekends.

Ahh, the beauty of routine. Except, I have to admit, it feels a little strange to be settling into a routine so far away from what I've always known as home. Something about establishing a "normal" daily or weekly schedule that my parents aren't part of doesn't feel quite right. And seeing my friends from Michigan post pictures of their kids heading back to school at Lansing Christian - what used to be our "normal" - honestly makes me feel sad that we aren't a part of that right now.

I am content to be here. I am thankful for all that God has blessed us with out here, and for the promise of new relationships. I am grateful that He has a purpose for us here, and I'm excited about that. I guess, deep down inside, it's just that I fear change.

I'm a little bit afraid of singing this weekend. What if the other people on the team don't like me? What if I feel like an outsider? What if they feel like I'm an outsider, intruding on their turf? Satan whispers these thoughts to me, and I dwell on them.

I'm afraid of doing the wrong things where my kids are concerned. What if I'm not teaching them everything they need to know? What if they turn their dislike of school work into a sense of resentment toward me? Will they be able to make friends at this church? Are they missing out on important opportunities to spend time with their grandparents, cousins, and friends? All of these things we have considered and prayed about, but it's so hard for me to let go and just allow God to work.

The problem is, although we are settling into life here, the future is still unknown. And I fear what I don't know, can't control.

I recently bought a copy of The Shack, by William P. Young. It is an incredible book that I highly recommend to all believers. Without a doubt, there are things in that book that are controversial. There are a lot of things that have made me stop and think. And it has forever altered my perception of Who God is, and the kind of relationship He desires to have with me.

Here is a brief excerpt of a conversation Mack, the main character, has with Jesus:

"[Jesus speaking] 'When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?'

"Again Mack stopped and thought. It was true. He spent a lot of time fretting and worrying about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. And Jesus was also correct in saying that in Mack's imaginations of the future, God was always absent.

"'Why do I do that?' asked Mack.

"'It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining all the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear.'

"...'So why do I have so much fear in my life?'

"'Because you don't believe. You don't know that we [the Trinity] love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it.'"

It was as if those words came from the mouth of Jesus directly to me. How William P. Young knows exactly what I struggle with, I have no idea, except that I must not be alone in this.

The truth is, God has brought me a long way in regard to my fears. (For more details, you can read my previous posts entitled "My Story," parts 1 and 2.) But, as Mack says in the next line after this excerpt, "I have so far to go." So I am beginning my new quest for the heart of God. To really know His love to the degree He wants to share it with me. And to once and for all remove those irrational fears from their place in my life.

Another Revelation

Okay, so... one more little "revelation" to add to my list from the post a couple of weeks ago. I can't dance. It's hopeless. I will never be a dancer, no matter how hard I try.

Since it's way too hot to go running out here and I don't have a treadmill at our house, I decided to give Zumba a try. Zumba is a workout program based on different Latin dances. Some of my friends in Michigan go to a class together and absolutely love it. I haven't heard of any good fitness centers nearby, so I decided to order the DVD's and try them out.

The first "workout" routine is a basic step-by-step walk-through of each dance move. There are three female dance instructors who break the moves down into easy-to-follow steps. Although I was quickly aware that my hips don't move the way theirs do, I could at least follow along and do the steps.

Next, I moved on to the 20-minute express workout. Same steps as the basic workout, only moving in time with the music for 20 minutes. It took me a few tries to get up to speed, but I caught on. And it was fun! It didn't even feel like a workout!

Tonight, I decided to try the 45-minute trim and tone workout. I probably spent at least half of the workout session staring at the screen saying, "What are they doing?" They did variations on some of the dance moves they had previously taught, and some of them were completely new. I couldn't replicate what I saw them doing for the life of me. Somehow, they expect you to move your arms independently from your legs, while your hips and abs are doing something totally different, simultaneously! If you had been watching me, you would most definitely not have chosen the words graceful, coordinated, or rhythmic to describe what you saw.

So I'm not a dancer. I've suspected it for years, but my attempt at Zumba confirms it.

I share this because God has been teaching me so much about myself since we came to Arizona. And not just silly things like the fact that I can't dance. Real truths about myself that are challenging me to strive for a more godly life.

I am learning that I can be content whatever my circumstances. That, although I've always thought of myself as being task-oriented, what I'm really longing for are meaningful relationships. That I truly do desire to follow God's calling and do His will, no matter the sacrifice required. That I hunger to know more about the character of God.

I believe that God takes us out of our comfort zones in order to refine us, to draw us closer to Him. I believe He is doing that in my life, and I'm grateful.