So much more has become a part of my testimony than what I wrote on this page when I first started my blog.
I suppose a person's testimony is never complete until the moment we breathe our last and are ushered into heaven.
It began with fear, anxiety, and panic attacks. To sum it up, God grew and changed me through a very dark time in my life. You can read those original posts here, if you'd like:
Darkness
Deliverance!
But as it turns out, that was only the beginning of what He wanted to do in my life!
On December 9, 2012, my dad was unexpectedly called home to heaven. I say "unexpectedly"... he was a diabetic who had experienced kidney failure and was on dialysis three times a week. He had experienced a below-the-knee amputation of one leg, as well as a stroke that had weakened him, but he had recovered well. After an above-the-knee amputation of his second leg, he was doing well, was in great spirits, and was scheduled to come home for a day to see how well he could maneuver and if he was ready to leave the hospital permanently. That morning, my mom got the call.
My dad was an incredible influence in my life, and I had always been "Daddy's Girl." Losing him was the hardest thing I had experienced at that point, and I struggled with doubts and questions I had never had before. But God was infinitely patient with me, and revealed Himself to me in new and wonderful ways. I reflected on what He was teaching me in my blog post, It's Not Fair.
About a year after his homegoing, we began to notice some subtle speech difficulties and confusion in my mom. At first we thought it was depression from her loss, but it continued to worsen, and new symptoms began to develop. After months of testing and doctors' appointments, she was diagnosed with ALS with Frontotemporal Dementia in October of 2014.
One thing my mom taught me is that God is always good. Always. He can only be good. So as I watched her fade away from us, I clung to that truth. I looked for the goodness in her suffering. Believe me, it was hard to find. But here, I think is what God has taught me through both of them:
Life is not about the here and now. If we live for the moment, we miss the point! Paul tells us in Ephesians 1 that "He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace..."
Grace. Grace that does not treat us as our sins deserve. Grace that drove Christ to bear those sins - our sins - on the cross, to suffer the beatings and ridicule and excruciating death that should have been ours. If we are to be followers of Christ, to bear His image and point people to Him, how can we think that shouldn't include suffering? Only in suffering can we get a tiny glimpse of the incredible sacrifice He made for us.
In May of 2015 I leaned over my mom's bed in the Hospice home and told her it was okay for her to go home. It was heartbreaking, but this world was not her home. Now they are together, at the feet of Jesus. And I miss them, but God has held me through it all.
So now, as I enter a new journey with my husband's diagnosis of non-Hodgkin lymphoma, I know God will never let us go. And I'm claiming this as my theme song: "The Joy of the Lord," by Rend Collective.
