Brief Update

A brief update: My dad is now home from the hospital, and the prognosis for a full recovery is good. Thanks for your prayers!

Asking for Prayer

Just a quick note asking for prayer for my parents...

On Sunday morning, I got a call from my mom while at church, saying that she was taking my dad in to the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. He was quickly admitted and has since seen a slew of doctors. Several tests have been done, some of which I still do not know the results.

He did have a stroke, but praise God the neurologist said it is only affecting a very small part of the brain and the recovery should be good. He is still experiencing a lack of coordination on his right side and somewhat slurred speech, although my mom thought both were beginning to improve yesterday.

I'm not sure how long he will be in the hospital, but there have been promises that he will be home before Christmas. Please pray that will be the case.

One concern is that the right side is the side with his good leg, so if he doesn't regain strength/coordination, his mobility will be quite limited. Please pray for healing and recovery, and that doctors would be able to keep this from happening again.

Also, please pray for my mom. She is spending most of her time at the hospital and is tired and overwhelmed. I'm doing my best to help her get ready for Christmas but there are some things I can't do for her. She needs strength and encouragement.

Thanks for praying, and I'll post updates as I can.

Just for Fun

I saw this on a friend's blog and had fun reading her answers, so I thought I'd share my own. I hope you find these little Christmas tidbits amusing.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Previously, I would have said hot chocolate. However, I recently took a Beth Moore challenge to eliminate chocolate from my diet. It was based on the diet of vegetables and water that Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego ate after being exiled to Babylon. The idea is that each time you choose not to eat the given item, you are reminded that you serve the King of kings, not a worldly king. She suggested giving up rich meats, but since that wouldn't be too much of a sacrifice for me, I went with the mother-lode: chocolate. Those of you who know me well know what a sacrifice this is for me!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? My kids no longer believe in Santa Claus. He used to set presents under the tree - the ones that were too big to wrap. But my kids have always received gifts from us, too, even when Santa did bring presents. We wanted them to know that they get gifts from us because we love them, not that they have to earn gifts by being good all year.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? We have white icicles hanging from the eaves and colored lights on our bushes and Christmas tree. I must say, I'm not a big fan of the new LED lights. The colors just aren't the same as what I'm used to, I guess.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No. We have a little jingle bell with mistletoe on it, but I can never figure out where/how to hang it.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually right after Halloween. Yes, I'm one of those people. I think it's a shame to enjoy your Christmas decorations for only the short period of time between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? My Aunt Cindy's escalloped corn

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? My brother had always wanted to be a drummer, so my mom and dad invested in a snare drum and snare lessons for him. Every Christmas after that, he would wake us up bright and early to open presents by playing his drum. We weren't allowed to get up before 6:00 on Christmas morning, so he would set his alarm for 6:00 just to make sure we didn't accidentally sleep in. I used to complain about it, but the one year he forgot to set his alarm, I was in his room waking him up at 6:00 to play his drum!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? We never really believed in Santa. We used to get our picture taken with him at the mall, but I don't remember ever believing he was real. We always knew our parents put the gifts under the tree.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Some years we have, and other years we haven't. I guess it depends on how much the boys beg and how excited I am to give them their gifts. I have a hard time waiting.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? We have an artificial tree because of allergies. Usually the boys help us with the branches and then Lars and I put the lights on. Then the kids put all the ornaments on. There are some from when I was a kid, some we received as wedding gifts because we got married in December, and several others we've accumulated through the years. We try to buy ornaments as mementos when we go special places as a family so that as we put them on the tree each year we can remember our fun times together.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I've always loved snow at Christmas time. By the time March arrives and it's still snowing, I'm pretty sick of it. After spending a year in Arizona, though, I was pretty happy to see the first snowfall this year!

12. Can you ice skate? I guess that depends on how you define "skate." I can maintain my balance for the most part, but I am definitely not graceful.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My husband, in 1995 (we were married on December 2). If that doesn't count... My sister and I used to collect toy horses when we were little. One year my Grandpa Kirkland built us a corral for our horses. That was a pretty special gift.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Certainly the birth of Christ is the most important thing. When I think about God sending His only Son to make a way for me to spend eternity in heaven, I can't imagine why He would send such a precious gift. I am so grateful for His grace even when I am so undeserving.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? The Kirkland traditional plum pudding, which is only served at Christmas time. My great grandma used to make it before she passed away, and my grandpa after that. When he passed away, my mom took on the tradition. It doesn't have a single plum in it, so I'm not sure why they call it plum pudding, but I love it!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? We started a new Christmas Eve tradition last year that is already becoming my favorite. Our church has 3 Christmas Eve services, and for several years I sang for the services. I always loved doing it, but I missed spending Christmas Eve with my husband and kids. Last year we decided that, until our boys are grown up, we will spend Christmas Eve together as a family. Our new tradition is to go to one of the earlier Christmas Eve services, then come home and have Christmas Eve dinner. Then we watch a Christmas movie, since watching movies is one of our favorite things to do together. Last year it was The Nativity Story. I think this year it will be A Christmas Carol. Something that doesn't focus on the material/commercial side of Christmas. A second favorite tradition is the Swedish St. Lucia celebration. I wrote a blog entry about that last year, so you can go back into my archives and read more about that tradition of you want to.

17. What tops your tree? A star that is always crooked, but I'm not tall enough to straighten it, even on the top step of the step stool. I keep forgetting to ask Lars to fix it.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? Definitely giving. I have to reign myself in because I will way overspend if I'm not careful. It's definitely better when Lars helps with the shopping because he keeps me in line. Let's just say my kids are lucky to have a mother with gifts as a primary love language...

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? Christian: Chris Rice's "Welcome to Our World." Amazing lyrics. Secular: the Brenda Lee version of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." I don't know why, I just think it's fun.

20. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Yum! I love them and always end up eating them all off the tree. My dentist would not approve, I'm sure.

21 Favorite Christmas Show? A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's not Christmas until I've seen it at least once.

I hope you found my answers at least entertaining, if not enlightening. And now you probably know more about me than you ever wanted to know.

Merry Christmas!

2010: Our Year in Review

Plans. All throughout our married life (15 years now, can you believe it?), Lars and I have made plans. Plans to finish college. Move to Youth Haven. Start a family. Grow our family. Buy a house. Choose a church home and a school for our kids. It seems like there is always an important decision to be made, and the weight of our choices is too heavy for us to bear on our own.

We often joke that we are both middle children, so we can never make up our minds about anything. If I could just see the future outcome of either option, it would be so easy to decide.

But I can't see it, and this is where trust must take over.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

I have been familiar with the words of Jeremiah 29:11 for many years. It has always been a comfort to me to know that God already has a plan for my life and for my family. But somehow, in a way that my human mind can't understand, God's plan and my will co-exist. God is not a puppeteer and I His puppet. I still have choices to make.

That's why I take such great comfort in the words of verses 12 and 13. I want my choices to line up with His plan. I don't want to make mistakes. I want to choose what He wants. And these verses promise that if I seek Him with all my heart, He will show Himself to me.

This has never been more evident to me than it was over this past year.

In January of 2010, while we were in Arizona for Youth Haven's annual Ladies' Day events, God began to reveal Himself to Lars and me, and to show us a new part of His plan for our lives. We knew that the manager of our Arizona campus would be retiring in April, and we both began to feel the strong calling from God to invest the next year of our lives in the Arizona ministry before hiring a new manager.

It was an exciting time for us, believing that God has amazing things in store for our ministry out there. We both knew it would give us the opportunity to build relationships with our staff in Arizona, and to encourage them in the great work they are doing with the kids. A year at the Arizona campus would also give Lars a new perspective on the ministry there, which is in many ways different from Michigan because the culture and environment are so different. And it would open new doors to cultivate relationships with people who may be able to support the ministry financially or through volunteer service.

It was also difficult for us to pack up and move so far away from both of our families. The boys were thrilled with the idea of moving to the "Wild West" of Arizona, but they also had to leave their grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and friends behind. Lars and I both have our parents and all our siblings nearby in Michigan, so this was a difficult thing to do.

There were times when I was very homesick, and times when I felt like I never wanted to leave Arizona. It's amazing how God helps you to feel at home when you go where He is calling you to be. The staff at our Arizona Ranch became a second family to me, and being right on campus, I had a chance to spend time with the kids who attended our programs throughout the year. It was so amazing for me to sing with them in chapel or see them at meal times and realize many of them now know Jesus because of their time at Youth Haven. We even found a church in Tucson where we were able to get involved with the worship team and the boys enjoyed the kids' program.

Lars learned so many things, from well repairs to what kinds of foods kids are used to eating in Arizona. He says it was a lot like an "Undercover Boss" experience for him. He was able to spend a great deal of time with each of our staff members, to hear what was on their hearts - joys and struggles alike. I know being there himself gave him a better understanding of the needs of the children, our staff, and our campus facilities.

We endured 120 degree temperatures and missing our families, friends, and home church. We also had the privilege of experiencing the unique desert beauty. Most importantly, we learned to trust God to give us the strength we needed to follow His plan for our lives. He never failed us, not once.

And now He is revealing that He is ready to move us home. We are in Michigan for Christmas, and will be returning to Arizona in January. This spring, we will be packing up and moving back to Michigan, after an amazing year in Arizona. A new manager will be in place at our Arizona campus at that time, and Lars will take regular trips out there to continue to invest in that area of the ministry.

We are excited to be coming home, where we will be close to our families and able to get involved with our church again. I will still homeschool the boys, which will give us the flexibility to travel to Arizona as needed, but they will be able to participate in a homeschool program at Lansing Christian, where their friends are.

Overall, 2010 has been a year of change, challenges, excitement, learning, and growth. It has been a time of trusting, listening, and following our Father, knowing He will strengthen us and seeing the rewards when we choose to obey His calling.

Now we look forward to great things in 2011!

Love or Fear?

I didn't know her personally. She was just a friend of a friend, but when I read her story it broke my heart. Too soon by our way of thinking, she was taken from her husband and two beautiful, young daughters by cancer.

A few short weeks later, a childhood friend of Lars' discovered her five-year-old son in his bed, taken by the angels during the night. Again, my heart is broken for people I hardly know, but I can't even begin to imagine their pain.

I don't pretend to understand why these kinds of things happen, except that sin is a terrible thing, and we will pay the consequences of it until Jesus returns and claims the victory over it.

Quite honestly, these are two of my biggest fears: that something terrible would happen to one of my kids, or that one of their parents would be taken from them. Fear of loss and grief and being forced to find a way through when nothing will ever be normal again. The horrible reality these two families now face.

Fear is a terrible thing when it creeps in and takes hold. It is at once paralyzing and torturous. It holds you in its grasp, tormenting you with its taunts, its "what ifs," all the while knowing you are helpless to respond.

But you are not helpless.

I have been held down by the icy fingers of fear. And it wouldn't take long for my mind to wander back into its death grip again. In a recent Bible study, I heard Beth Moore make the statement that we have an enemy who desperately wants to take us right back to where we came from. He's not content just to push us back a few steps; he wants us to go all the way back. And I could. But I have someone stronger on my side, someone who will never let me go.

I guess if God has taught me anything about my fear, it is that fear is born when I choose not to trust in God's love and goodness. It springs to life when I look to myself as the answer to anything.

I cannot keep hardship away any more than I can fly to the sun. What I can do is fall on God and teach my children to do the same when those hardships come. Because they will come, as long as we are here on this sinful planet. But if I trust that God's love for us is perfect, then I can with confidence say that God will use everything that comes our way for His ultimate purpose. And by the nature of His character, that purpose can't be anything but good.

So many times I have wished for a greater understanding. It's hard to see His purpose when we are blinded by our pain. But I suppose if I had His understanding, I wouldn't need Him. So I muddle through this world full of pain and suffering, and I choose not to dwell on the fear that something bad - or even tragic - might touch my family. Instead, I will treasure every moment, steal another kiss, and love with all my might. Because a life of love is so much better than a life of fear.

Prayer for our Government

I subscribed to weekly e-mails from the Presidential Prayer Team when George W. Bush was in office. Each week, I receive an e-mail highlighting certain people in our government, as well as other political issues that need prayer.

Quite frankly, I haven't been very good about reading these e-mails since Obama took office. Most of them end up in my "Deleted Items" folder without ever being read - or prayed over.

So what made me open the e-mail and read it today? It must have been a prompting from God. He wanted to teach me something today. And here is what I read:

"I'm a Christian by choice. My family didn't -- frankly, they weren't folks who went to church every week. And my mother was one of the most spiritual people I knew, but she didn't raise me in the church. So I came to my Christian faith later in life, and it was because the precepts of Jesus Christ spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead -- being my brothers' and sisters' keeper, treating others as they would treat me. I think also understanding that Jesus Christ dying for my sins spoke to the humility we all have to have as human beings, that we're sinful and we're flawed and we make mistakes, and that we achieve salvation through the grace of God. But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people and do our best to help them find their own grace. That's what I strive to do. That's what I pray to do every day. I think my public service is part of that effort to express my Christian faith." -- President Barack Obama, September 27, 2010

Now, this doesn't prove that Obama is Christ follower. Many people claim to be Christians without really knowing what it means to have a real relationship with Jesus Christ.

However, this statement hit me right between the eyes. Because I have been quick to find fault with our President. I haven't had a lot of good to say about him. And what God revealed to me as I read this was that President Obama does not need my judgment; he needs my prayers.

And although I don't agree with many of his policies for our government, I have no right to judge his motives or his heart. Only God is holy enough for that task.

I'm so glad I opened that e-mail and read it today. Right now I am making a commitment to stop complaining about what's going on in our national and state governments and start praying instead. If you're a believer, I hope you'll join me.

E-mails from my Kids

Today the boys discovered that they can use the Wii to send e-mails to people we have approved as "friends." So far, my e-mail address is the only one on the list. Here are the three messages I've gotten today:

"I love you mom! this note is from Stefan, but Lukas agrees to. Can you please get me a glass of water? thanks for making the wii a friend and you can send E-mails to it too you know. Stefan"

That one made me laugh. Then I got this one:

"IIIIIIIIIIIIII LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That one was from Lukas, who then asked me if I figured out what it said. I'm loving the "I Love You's" and made sure to respond with an "I love you, too" for each of them.

And, finally:

"can I have a cell phone? because i
really really want one. Stefan
p.s.lukas does not agree. he does not
want a cell phone."

At which point, Lukas told me the p.s. was a lie. I have a feeling the next several years are going to get very interesting.

Heritage

Today is my dad's birthday, and I am nearly 2,000 miles away. This has been the most difficult part of our ministry in Arizona - the miles that stretch between my family and me.

I've learned that part of the reason God brought us here was to help us appreciate how incredibly blessed we are. You know, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I am grateful for the closeness I have with my family now more than ever, and I realize how often I've taken them for granted.

Yesterday was also my Grandma Kirkland's birthday. If you've read some of my earlier posts, you know how much both my dad and my grandma mean to me. They have been instrumental in shaping the person I am today, and their teaching has come from so much more than words. All my life I have seen Jesus in them.

There are so many things I could say about both of them, I would never have enough space to write them all. So I'll do my best to single out one special thing about each of them. (Though I must say, all through college I never had a problem writing long papers, but I found the 500 words or less papers to be pure torture!)

One thing I always remember about my grandma was her unconditional love for everyone she knew. If she ever heard us being critical of someone or making fun of them, as kids unfortunately sometimes do, she would always say to us, "Now, that person has a heart and soul just like you do." She never failed to point out that Jesus loves everyone, and everyone needs Jesus.

And she lived it, too. Everyone in the little town of Perry knew and loved my grandparents. No one was ever turned away from their door. Especially in the summer time, their house, yard and swimming pool were full of people from the church and neighborhood. I've often joked about that fact that Grandma's cookie jar was always filled with Little Debbie's snacks and Oreos instead of homemade cookies, but now I understand why. She would never have been able to leave her kitchen if she were to bake cookies for all the people who came to their house!

No one could rival my grandma in the area of hospitality. They never had a lot of money, but that didn't matter. She would open her home and give whatever she had to give. So many people saw the love of Jesus shining through her. I am just one of the blessed few who get to call her "Grandma."

This is the home my dad grew up in, and I am grateful to both of my grandparents for the precious gift of my dad. My dad will be the first to admit that if you had told him as a boy that he would one day be a pastor, he would have declared you insane and walked away laughing. I can't thank him enough for obeying God's call in his life, even though it led him down a totally different path than he might have chosen for himself.

I suppose that is one of the most important ways my dad's life has influenced mine. I have seen my dad go through some of the most painful, difficult circumstances in his life, and I have always seen him cling to God.

There was a moment a few years ago, when my dad's health had continued to decline. He was trying to adjust to the schedule of dialysis three times a week and still maintaining his calling as the senior pastor of his church. All of his kids watched him continue to serve faithfully, to the best of his ability, even when he was terribly ill. He was committed to doing what he felt God had called him to do, until God called him elsewhere. And so I asked God to give him a way out.

"God," I remember saying, "I don't understand why he has to go through all of this. He just needs to rest. Please, God, make a way for him to retire. He's served you all his life."

And it was as if I could hear God Himself asking me, "Why would he stop now?"

I knew he never would. Until he breathes his final breath, my dad will faithfully serve his God. Because that's who my dad is.

I am grateful to God for providing a way for my dad to have a new ministry. He is now a prayer warrior for Youth Haven, a mentor for many of the staff, and a witness for Jesus Christ in his dialysis center.

When I think about the family I have, I can never thank God enough. What an incredible heritage that has been passed down from generation to generation! My prayer is that someday I will have grandchildren who will say the same about me.

Stefan's First Worship Team Experience

It's no secret that I am passionate about worship.

If you've read my testimony, you know some of what God has done in my life. I worship Him because He deserves my very best offering of worship. I am nothing without Him. I need His strength every moment of every day, with every breath that I take. And so I worship because He is worthy. Because I have nothing to give that is worthy of Him, but just as I cherish a heartfelt gift given to me by one of my children, God delights in my gift of worship.

This is a concept that Lars and I have tried to instill in our boys, too. Sometimes it is a real sacrifice to be on the worship team at church. We love serving at Trinity Church in Lansing, but with a Saturday evening service and two Sunday morning services, it is a weekend-long commitment. Many Sundays the boys have gotten up early and gone with us in order for us to be there on time for the morning run-through before the services.

Most of the time, they don't complain. (Stopping for hotcakes at McDonald's on the way usually helps!) They know that God deserves that sacrifice - a pretty small sacrifice, really, when you stop and think about all He did for us.

They also know that God has gifted each one of us uniquely, and that He desires for us to use our gifts to bring glory to Him. I've often told the boys, "I don't care what you do in life, as long as you do what God wants you to do." They have both accepted Christ as their Savior, and now my greatest desire is to see them live lives that point people to Jesus.

Stefan has definitely received the gift of music. He has an ability with the piano to hear something and fiddle around with the keys until he figures out how to play what he's heard. He has also taken some lessons from a fantastic teacher who is helping him learn how to read music and chord charts.

When we came to Arizona, one of my biggest concerns was that Stefan wouldn't be able to work with his piano teacher for the time we were out here. But he showed a real interest in playing the keyboard during the worship times at Chapel with the Youth Haven kids. For weeks, he nagged me to get copies of the chord charts so that he could start working on the songs. We finally got them copied for him, and he went to work.

Last night, for the first time ever, my son played the piano as part of the worship team in Chapel. One of the members of our programming staff leads the kids in worship as she sings and plays her guitar. On most Friday evenings, we join her. I sing, and Lars plays the drums. It was incredible to look over to my right and see my husband worshiping with me, then to the left and see my son doing the same. And Lukas danced his heart out in worship in the back row.

Here's a small clip of Stefan leading "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever." It's brief because the audio didn't turn out as well as we had hoped, but at least his intro turned out well.



I am so proud of Stefan, not just because he played so well and put a lot of effort into learning the songs. I'm also proud of him for wanting to use his gifts for the Lord. To play music that proclaims the name of Jesus. To show other kids that they're not too young to worship the God who loves them.

Green, White, and Grandpa

I always look forward to Saturdays.

On Saturdays, I can sit around in my pj's and enjoy a cinnamon roll with my coffee. There's no hurrying to get dressed and ready to start school. I don't have to juggle my time between teaching the boys and keeping them to task, making sure all my work for Youth Haven is done, and keeping up with household chores.

And Saturdays during this time of year mean college football.

I am a Spartan fan to the core. In my family, we bleed green. I love the green, the white, and the familiar sight of Sparty energizing the crowd on the sidelines.

I'll admit, I've taken my share of razzing through the years. Growing up in Saginaw, we were just about the only Spartan fans around. On many Sunday mornings after U of M had beaten MSU, we would awaken to find our front lawn, bushes, and giant cottonwood tree littered with toilet paper. Apparently the youth group at our church took great joy in letting us know their team had played better than ours. One year, we actually counted 52 rolls of toilet paper!

(So for those of you who question why I so dislike U of M, now you know. And we didn't TP a single house when State beat U of M in the 1988 season and went on to win the Rose Bowl!)

I love to watch the guys in green and white play their games. But I'm a Spartan fan for a much greater reason than the athletic program. I'm a Spartan fan because of my grandpa.

When I was a kid, Saturday mornings didn't mean coffee and cinnamon rolls. They meant Grandma and Grandpa's house, Sunny Delight, and jelly doughnuts from the IGA. Grandpa would get up early in the morning, before we even woke up, and run up to the IGA bakery for the freshest doughnuts. On some Saturdays, he would make us pancakes. He was quite a gifted pancake artist. Grandpa could make those pancakes into any shape we asked for.

We would eat our pancakes or jelly doughnuts, watch 3 hours of Bugs Bunny, and then the football games would come on. Even as kids, we loved to watch the games, and we always cheered for the Spartans. Grandpa hung a giant green flag with a big white "S" in the middle of it on the front porch every game day. That flag was draped over his casket for his funeral when he passed away.

My Grandpa Kirkland worked for Michigan State for 33 years. As a part of their maintenance staff, he would often be needed on the campus while we were at their house for a visit. Sometimes we would get to go with him, and I loved those times.

I remember walking into the Union Building and feeling like it was the biggest building I had ever been in. He showed us the ballroom one time, and I felt like Cinderella waiting for her first dance with the prince in the palace.

I grew up loving the beauty of the MSU campus - the Red Cedar River, Beaumont Tower, the impressive statue of Sparty, the ivy-covered brick buildings. As a family, we stood on the sidewalk to watch the homecoming parade in the fall. And in the spring, nothing equaled the colors and fragrances of the blossoming flowers and trees.

Michigan State became important to me because it was important to him. And he was never too busy to include us in what was important to him.

My kids never got to know my grandpa. He went to be with Jesus just after I found out I was expecting Stefan. I miss him, especially when I watch the games or visit the MSU campus. He was a pretty special guy, and he helped shaped the person I am today.

And my love for all things green and white is only one of the things he passed down to me. I also give him much of the credit for my love of music, and I have wonderful memories of dancing and singing while he, my dad, and my great grandma played their guitars and harmonicas. Most importantly, he passed down an unwavering faith in Jesus Christ that I always saw lived out in his life.

So the next time you see me in my Michigan State shirt, you'll know why I wear it. Yes, I wear it to support my team. But I also wear it for my grandpa.

The Technology Curse

I believe we are a society cursed by technology.

I'll admit that the advances in technology have made many of life's conveniences possible. I am able to work from home while home schooling my kids as a result of technology. I can e-mail my parents, put pictures of the boys up on Facebook for them to see, and chat with them live and direct on Skype, even while we're 2,000 miles away. I appreciate that.

But with those conveniences have come increased expectations. Our time is monopolized by cell phone calls and e-mails. We can be interrupted at any time, any place. We work longer hours, and the distinction between "work" and "home" is virtually nonexistent.

Technology is also teaching our children to be discontent.

Last Christmas, Stefan asked for an iPod nano. He loves music, and this allows him to listen to some of his favorites through headphones, which can be a good thing when you don't care to listen to the Charlie Brown soundtrack for the fifteenth time.

Once Stefan had one, it was only natural for his brother to want one. So... he got one for his 8th birthday this past May.

Unfortunately, Stefan's iPod went for a swim in the washing machine yesterday and drowned. He had left it in his pants pocket, which were lying on the floor in his room. I grabbed them up and tossed them in, not thinking to check pockets first. Lesson learned!

Since it was primarily my fault, I told him I would replace the nano. The problem is, Apple just came out with a brand new version of the nano. It's smaller and has a few different features than the one Stefan and Lukas have.

There is also a new iPod touch, which has even more features and fun games you can play.

And suddenly, the old iPod nano isn't so great anymore. Stefan wants an iPod touch, which costs more and includes Internet access. We've strictly prohibited unsupervised Internet access, and we also can't afford the extra $80 for the upgrade. At the same time, since Stefan is getting a new nano, Lukas now wants the new version, too.

I find all of this exceedingly frustrating, especially given the fact that we have been going through Larry Burkett's Money Matters for Kids recently. We've talked about the importance of being content with the blessings God has given us instead of always wanting more.

So how do we encourage our kids to be content when they are constantly bombarded with the message that they need more? "This thing is better than the one you have. You need it or other kids won't like you as much." And suddenly they define their worth by their stuff.

Whatever happened to the days when families found their joy in just being together? No cell phones interrupted dinner. No televisions, billboards, or magazine ads told them they weren't good enough because they didn't have certain things. And yes, they worked long, hard hours, but they did it together and enjoyed each other's company in the process.

These days, computers have replaced conversation. And every 6 months a newer, better version of something is released that we just have to have if we are anyone important.

Does anyone else find this disconcerting?

I am realizing more and more how contrary this world is to the life God calls us to lead as a follower of Jesus Christ. I, for one, am going to thank Him for blessing me so bountifully and commit to being content. And I'm going to keep teaching my kids to store up their treasures in heaven. And maybe turn the TV off.

My New Quest

I like to have a plan. I thrive on schedules, routines, and organization. I like to think ahead and know what's coming next. If I can plan for it, I can handle it.

So it seems that we are finally getting into a routine here in Arizona. We are working on home schooling Monday through Friday, and I keep the boys to a daily schedule. They seem to like that, too, and they both keep close tracks of the times I have posted on their whiteboards for each subject. We have found a church out here, and I am actually going to be singing on the worship team for the first time this week. The boys love their Sunday school classes and will also be starting a Wednesday evening boys' program called "Knights of Faith" next week. The fall program at Youth Haven has also started, so we are leading worship in chapel and having meals with the kids on the weekends.

Ahh, the beauty of routine. Except, I have to admit, it feels a little strange to be settling into a routine so far away from what I've always known as home. Something about establishing a "normal" daily or weekly schedule that my parents aren't part of doesn't feel quite right. And seeing my friends from Michigan post pictures of their kids heading back to school at Lansing Christian - what used to be our "normal" - honestly makes me feel sad that we aren't a part of that right now.

I am content to be here. I am thankful for all that God has blessed us with out here, and for the promise of new relationships. I am grateful that He has a purpose for us here, and I'm excited about that. I guess, deep down inside, it's just that I fear change.

I'm a little bit afraid of singing this weekend. What if the other people on the team don't like me? What if I feel like an outsider? What if they feel like I'm an outsider, intruding on their turf? Satan whispers these thoughts to me, and I dwell on them.

I'm afraid of doing the wrong things where my kids are concerned. What if I'm not teaching them everything they need to know? What if they turn their dislike of school work into a sense of resentment toward me? Will they be able to make friends at this church? Are they missing out on important opportunities to spend time with their grandparents, cousins, and friends? All of these things we have considered and prayed about, but it's so hard for me to let go and just allow God to work.

The problem is, although we are settling into life here, the future is still unknown. And I fear what I don't know, can't control.

I recently bought a copy of The Shack, by William P. Young. It is an incredible book that I highly recommend to all believers. Without a doubt, there are things in that book that are controversial. There are a lot of things that have made me stop and think. And it has forever altered my perception of Who God is, and the kind of relationship He desires to have with me.

Here is a brief excerpt of a conversation Mack, the main character, has with Jesus:

"[Jesus speaking] 'When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?'

"Again Mack stopped and thought. It was true. He spent a lot of time fretting and worrying about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. And Jesus was also correct in saying that in Mack's imaginations of the future, God was always absent.

"'Why do I do that?' asked Mack.

"'It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining all the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear.'

"...'So why do I have so much fear in my life?'

"'Because you don't believe. You don't know that we [the Trinity] love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it.'"

It was as if those words came from the mouth of Jesus directly to me. How William P. Young knows exactly what I struggle with, I have no idea, except that I must not be alone in this.

The truth is, God has brought me a long way in regard to my fears. (For more details, you can read my previous posts entitled "My Story," parts 1 and 2.) But, as Mack says in the next line after this excerpt, "I have so far to go." So I am beginning my new quest for the heart of God. To really know His love to the degree He wants to share it with me. And to once and for all remove those irrational fears from their place in my life.

Another Revelation

Okay, so... one more little "revelation" to add to my list from the post a couple of weeks ago. I can't dance. It's hopeless. I will never be a dancer, no matter how hard I try.

Since it's way too hot to go running out here and I don't have a treadmill at our house, I decided to give Zumba a try. Zumba is a workout program based on different Latin dances. Some of my friends in Michigan go to a class together and absolutely love it. I haven't heard of any good fitness centers nearby, so I decided to order the DVD's and try them out.

The first "workout" routine is a basic step-by-step walk-through of each dance move. There are three female dance instructors who break the moves down into easy-to-follow steps. Although I was quickly aware that my hips don't move the way theirs do, I could at least follow along and do the steps.

Next, I moved on to the 20-minute express workout. Same steps as the basic workout, only moving in time with the music for 20 minutes. It took me a few tries to get up to speed, but I caught on. And it was fun! It didn't even feel like a workout!

Tonight, I decided to try the 45-minute trim and tone workout. I probably spent at least half of the workout session staring at the screen saying, "What are they doing?" They did variations on some of the dance moves they had previously taught, and some of them were completely new. I couldn't replicate what I saw them doing for the life of me. Somehow, they expect you to move your arms independently from your legs, while your hips and abs are doing something totally different, simultaneously! If you had been watching me, you would most definitely not have chosen the words graceful, coordinated, or rhythmic to describe what you saw.

So I'm not a dancer. I've suspected it for years, but my attempt at Zumba confirms it.

I share this because God has been teaching me so much about myself since we came to Arizona. And not just silly things like the fact that I can't dance. Real truths about myself that are challenging me to strive for a more godly life.

I am learning that I can be content whatever my circumstances. That, although I've always thought of myself as being task-oriented, what I'm really longing for are meaningful relationships. That I truly do desire to follow God's calling and do His will, no matter the sacrifice required. That I hunger to know more about the character of God.

I believe that God takes us out of our comfort zones in order to refine us, to draw us closer to Him. I believe He is doing that in my life, and I'm grateful.

It's the Little Things

Today, two of our staff girls arrived at the Arizona Ranch after driving here from our Michigan campus. Among the things they brought with them was one of Lars' favorite travel mugs - a silver Biggby Coffee mug that fits nicely into the cupholders in our car because it doesn't have handles.

Attached to the mug was a note from my mom, asking the girls to bring the mug out to Lars. When I saw her handwriting, I just wanted to sit down and cry. Silly, I know. The note wasn't even written to us. But I miss her.

It made me realize how much the little things matter to me.

My mom isn't the kind of person who needs to be the center of attention all the time. She's content to be in the background, quietly making sure everything gets done and everyone's needs are met. She is the epitome of true servanthood.

When Lukas was born, she came and stayed with us for a week. Stefan was 2, and I had just had a C-section so I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavier than the baby. The day after we came home, summer staff orientation at Youth Haven began, and Lars needed to be involved with that. I don't know what I would have done without my mom.

She has always been there, supporting and encouraging me in every little way she can. Proofreading my papers for college. Playing the piano for me when I sang. Hemming my pants and skirts that are always too long. Babysitting on Saturdays when Lars and I have both been on the worship team at church. Watering my plants and taking care of our cat and goldfish while we're away.

So I'm not surprised she thought about sending Lars' favorite mug out with the girls when they came. That's just the kind of thing she would do.

I suppose I got spoiled having her so close and working in the same office together. Sometimes when we're in Michigan, I'll just go sit in her office simply because I'm glad she's there. I miss that. I miss having supper at their house and making s'mores around the firepit in their back yard.

But even though the miles separate us, I know my mom is there for me. I can call her and talk to her about anything. I know she'll listen, give me her wisdom, and pray for me. She is an incredible blessing from God.

Sometimes it feels like, as a mother, I am always giving. Now I know that a mother's giving never stops, even when her kids are grown. I've often been told I look like my mom. I hope to be like her in so much more than appearance.

A Few Revelations

Here's a little revelation for you: I am not the most domestic person.

Yesterday I sewed four patches on the boys' Lowe's aprons for the Build and Grow workshops they attended. It seriously took me 20 minutes just to get the thread through the eye of the needle. By the time I was done with all four patches, my fingers were sore. I never did get the hang of the thimble.

Second revelation: I hate cooking. I know, I can hear you gasp as you read this. Alas, it is true. If I can take it out of the freezer, pop it in the oven or microwave, and then serve it up, that makes me happy. Oh, I can follow a recipe easily enough, but I find that buying all the ingredients for a recipe that sounds good often costs more than my grocery budget will allow - especially when it comes to healthy foods. Besides, I make a mess when I cook and I hate cleaning up afterward. Why should I slave over something fancy when my kids would prefer tacos, sloppy joes, or mac & cheese anyway?

Now, I do want my family to be healthy, so I do my best to provide good, healthy food choices. I try to avoid preservatives (thank you, Stouffer's!), growth hormones, and pesticides. But I do not find any joy in cooking, and I am certainly not going to win any gourmet cooking awards.

Third revelation: I do not remember the last time I ironed a piece of clothing. It is one household chore that I avoid as much as possible. I have no idea why, but I dread the task of ironing. I don't buy clothes unless they are wrinkle free. And my family always looks nice on Sunday mornings, even without having to lift an iron!

I am so not like my sister, sometimes I wonder how we even came from the same two parents. She grows her own fruits and vegetables, cans things, makes her own salsa, jams, and breads. She cooks, sews, and irons!

So here's revelation number four: it's okay. I don't have to be a gourmet cook or exquisite seamstress. I don't even have to have a green thumb. God created me exactly as He wants me. He even knit me together in my mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). That means He painstakingly pieced me together to be His very own work of art.

Just as my sister and I are very different, my two boys are, too. Stefan is far more musically inclined. He can hear a song on his iPod and figure out how to play it on the piano. I really believe God has gifted him in that. Lukas isn't so interested in music, but he can hit just about any ball you pitch to him.

God has given each one of us the individual talents, gifts, and skills He wants us to have. We are all different from one another, with different abilities and interests. So the next time someone tries to pressure you to do something God hasn't gifted you to do, know that it's okay to say "No." Then think about what He has gifted you to do and "work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" (Colossians 3:23).

Isn't it nice to know we don't have to try to become something we're not?

Obedience

It's hard to believe the summer season at Youth Haven is almost over.

We arrived back at the Arizona Ranch campus on Sunday afternoon. We've been back and forth so much this year, it feels like we're always saying goodbye. I admit, it was pretty tough to say goodbye to my family this time around.

In fact, the last day we were at home in Michigan, I was really struggling with leaving again. The Lord brought to my mind Philippians 4:13, the familiar verse that says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." My response was, "I know I can, but sometimes I just don't want to."

But obedience must come before what I want. And part of being supportive of my husband in his ministry is being willing to say goodbye, even when it's hard. He and I are a team, and I know God has a lot more for us to do out here.

Well, that was even more evident today as we, yet again, said goodbye. Goodbye to a great group of teens who had been here for the last of our summer sessions in Arizona. Most of them start school next week, so it was fun to have them here before they head back to their environments.

We had a great time leading them in worship, sharing meals with them, and watching them laugh together. They were a little rowdy sometimes, but, hey, they're teens. Teens from some pretty tough circumstances. Teens who love to come to Youth Haven because when they're here, they're loved.

After lunch today, just before they would all be picked up, they were invited to stand up and share something they learned this week at Youth Haven. One by one, we listened to them tell heartbreaking stories that now end with hope because of Youth Haven.

There was the 14-year-old girl who has a baby at home and learned that God forgives.

There was the teenaged boy who talked about being shifted from foster home to foster home, but always knowing he had a family at Youth Haven.

There was the young lady who said, "I thought God had forgotten me when I was taken away from my sister. But now I know He didn't forget about me, and He is always with me."

And many other teens - our nation's leaders of tomorrow - who stood up and said that they want to live for Jesus because of what they have learned and experienced at Youth Haven.

I sat with tears in my eyes as I listened to them. Oh, to be able to take away the pain that so many of them have experienced! We know that as they went home today, then went back into some pretty tough situations.

Then Lars stood up and encouraged them all not to forget what they have learned, and told them that we would be praying for them and are always here for them.

I am grateful beyond words that God would allow us to be part of this incredible ministry - and for a husband who is giving his life to something bigger than ourselves. I am so proud of him for showing those boys what it means to be a man of God when they have no example of that at home.

Sometimes it is hard to obey. But when we are willing, God will use us. He will give us the strength we need. And sometimes, He even rewards us with a glimpse of what He's doing through us.

I hate to think of missing out on that reward by choosing not to obey. Even more, I hate to think of how those kids would have been affected. I choose obedience, and I pray that God will continue to use me.

Criticism

We are a critical society.

In days gone by, we were entertained by stories of a widowed sheriff teaching his son a valuable lesson, or a young boy nicknamed "Beaver" figuring out how to solve some problem at school. The shows that first appeared on our television screens portrayed families that were a bit idealistic, perhaps, but at least they gave us wholesome examples to take to heart.

Now we are bombarded by reality TV. We gather around our television sets, just hoping to hear that "all-time worst audition." We laugh as a judge's harsh words crush someone's dreams. "How could she possibly think she was a good singer?" we ask. And these are just the talent competitions.

Then there are the shows like Survivor, the Bachelor, and Big Brother. Thousands of people tune in to very personal and intimate moments in the lives of complete strangers. We love to take sides. We choose our favorites and those contestants we hope get voted off. We find ourselves saying things like, "He is such a jerk!" or "I cannot believe she just did that!" Why do we enjoy finding fault in others?

I admit, I have fallen into the trap. I realized it last night while watching a rerun of America's Got Talent. I heard myself criticizing a few of the contestants in front of my boys. And suddenly it dawned on me that I am teaching them to find fault in others instead of pointing out the good in them.

It's hard to tell whether the TV shows are the cause or a symptom. I believe that if we constantly fill our minds with negativity, we will inevitably begin to think negatively. At the same time, I believe that those types of shows are being put in front of us quite simply because people like to watch them. We enjoy those programs that give us permission to freely express our critical spirits without feeling like we directly hurt someone. After all, they can't hear us when we say it.

Maybe they can't. But God can. And it grieves Him deeply when we say these hurtful things or think them in our hearts. He wants us to love each other, to "encourage each other and build each other up" (I Thessalonians 5:11).

I don't know why I am critical of other people. Does it make me a better singer because I say someone else needs to work on their pitch? Goodness, no! The idea that putting someone else down helps us feel better about ourselves is a lie used by Satan to turn our hearts against each other.

I am making a decision right now to stop being critical of other people. I kind of feel like I'm in a "Critics Anonymous" meeting right now... "My name is Amy and I'm a critical person." I admit it. And I'm going to deal with it. And I hope those of you who know me will hold me accountable.

Freedom

As I was driving the other day, surrounded by trees and farms and water, I was again reminded how blessed I am to be an American.

There is so much beauty to enjoy in our great country, and such a variety. Looking around, you can't help but marvel at the incredible gift of beauty God has given us to enjoy. Whether I'm watching the sunset cast a purple glow upon the Arizona mountains or paint vibrant streaks of red and orange in the Michigan sky above the lake, I am in awe of God's creative power.

I can't imagine living in a country where I was not allowed to raise my hands in praise of my Father, Who created all of this. Where I could not gather in fellowship with other believers to strengthen faith and friendships. Where I was told who or what to worship, serve, and obey. Where my life was prescribed for me with no hope of ever experiencing anything else.

I am grateful for the freedoms I have as an American citizen, and for the men and women who have given their lives or made other sacrifices to fight for those freedoms.

On the Fourth of July, we celebrated with a Pancake Breakfast at Youth Haven, fireworks at the lake, and then an overnight stay at my sister's house with more fireworks. My cousin spent the Fourth of July in Iraq, wearing a Military Police uniform, helping to protect those who can't protect themselves. Fighting for freedom, and in so doing, ensuring mine.

He is nineteen years old and has already seen horrific things. But he faithfully serves his country, knowing the price of freedom.

I think about what he is going through, and then I see visions of Jesus, scenes from The Passion of the Christ replaying in my mind. And I know that freedom sometimes costs everything.

I imagine the soldiers who fought in the many wars that have been waged over the years. I can hear them saying they fight for their wives, their sons and daughters. For their brothers, sisters, and countrymen.

Then I see Jesus, battered, bruised, and bloody, hanging on a cross. I hear him cry out, "Father, forgive them!" And I know he, too, was fighting for the freedom of his brothers and sisters. And not just freedom of worship or freedom of speech. Freedom from death.

In America, we celebrate our victories and the freedoms those victories have both brought about and preserved.

I am thankful for those who have fought, and still fight, for that great cause. I love America. I am grateful that God placed me here.

And I am thankful for a cross, a Savior, and an empty tomb. Victory over death! Freedom from the bondage of sin, shame, and yes, even fear.

Someday my boys will be 18, and they will have a choice to make. I hope God doesn't call them to the military. But if He does, I pray they will serve their country with all their hearts. I will send them off with tears and pride. Because to fight for freedom is to follow in the footsteps of Jesus.

The Mackinac Bridge

The Mackinac Bridge. It's a beautifully impressive structure that rises above the waters of Lake Huron and Lake Michigan, connecting Michigan's lower and upper peninsulas. But to me, it's so much more than that. It's a piece of my childhood.

I can't tell you how old I was the first time I saw the Bridge. But I can tell you that in that moment, the Mackinac Bridge was forever etched on my heart.

When I was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money to travel the country or stay in fancy hotels. We spent most of our summer vacations camping in Northern Michigan. I'll be honest, there were times when I grew tired of camping. I never slept well, it often rained, and I have always hated public bathrooms.

But to this day, I think back on those times with great fondness. My brother, sister and I spent hours dreaming up wild adventures. We were courageous explorers, traversing the woods behind our campsite in search of firewood. We were mega-millionaires, sipping drinks while the breeze of our tropical paradise gently rocked the hammock. We were deep sea divers, discovering new species of minnows and other sea creatures at the bottom of the lake.

We laughed a lot. We played a lot of games. And we were together.

The Mackinac Bridge was always one of my favorite places to vacation. We would eagerly watch for the towers to appear in our line of sight as we neared the northernmost point of the lower peninsula. We could hardly contain our excitement when we would drive across the massive structure and look down upon the waves below. And we loved to huddle together on the sandy beach, waiting for the sun to go down and the colorful lights on the Bridge to illuminate the night.

Someday, I hope my boys will look back on these times we have spent together and recall similar memories with fondness. I also hope their childhood doesn't become a memory as quickly as mine seems to have. I'd like to hang onto these years for a little while.

"Come Back Soon"

Tonight the Arizona Ranch staff came over for dinner to wish us a safe trip back to Michigan. When they came, they brought this with them. It says, "Come Back Soon & We Love You." It was signed by all the staff and the Ranchers who were here this week.

Here are a couple of the Ranchers' comments that brought tears to my eyes:

"I'll miss this camp so much because of how awesome it is."

"I'm going to miss you."

"Hope you will be here soon to teach me about stars." (Lars does an astronomy chapel with the kids each week.)

"We love you guys! Come back soon!"

It's amazing that we can have this kind of impact on a child's life in as short as one week's time. What an incredible privilege to be used by God. And 17 of them accepted Christ as Savior this week!

Our staff out here are a committed, hard-working, incredible team. More than a team. They're family. I have grown to love each and every one of them. It's hard to leave right in the middle of the summer when I feel like we need each other.

The flip side is, I am very excited to see my family in Michigan again. I love them and miss them terribly. I've been homesick for my mom and dad, and I wished I could have been there to help my sister when she had kidney stone surgery this past week.

I'm just thankful that God has given me another family to love. Growing closer to the staff out here has been such a blessing to me. No, we are not related biologically. But we are related by blood - the blood of Jesus Christ that makes us sisters and brothers in a very real way.

So going back to Michigan is a bittersweet thing. I will cherish every moment with my mom and dad and the rest of my family. And then I will be thankful to see my second family again when we return to Arizona.

I love this ministry.

Boys

I love having boys.

Lukas is 8, and he is still my cuddler. In fact, last night, Stefan and Lars had gone into Lowe's, and Lukas and I sat on the couch watching a movie. Lukas said, "I like to cuddle." That's a mother's delight!

Stefan is now 10, and wants so much to be a grown up. I am so enjoying watching him transform into the man he will someday be. I have especially seen two things in him this summer that will be such great qualities for him to have.

The first is a protective instinct. The other night, one of our girl team leaders was coming over to our house, and she had to walk across the campus from her dorm - in the dark. Stefan said, "Should I get my flashlight and go get her? I can walk her over."

Now, I'm sure there are some people in the world of feminism who would say I should teach him that women don't need a man's help. I disagree. I believe God created us differently for a purpose, and we should celebrate those differences. He created us to need each other and mutually help each other. I'm not saying that women are the weaker sex, just different. And we can't complain that chivalry is dead when we've sent our sons the message that women don't need - or want - their help. The simple act of holding a flashlight for a woman walking in the dark doesn't mean, "You can't do this without me. I am the strong one." It means nothing more than, "I care about you and I want to help you."

That was just a little bonus paragraph. :-)

The second thing I have seen in my boy is a strong work ethic. This pleases me greatly, because sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get him to do his school work! But he has begged to go over and help in the kitchen, serving the boys and girls their food. Our cook has assured me that he is a great help to her.

I can't tell you how this blesses a mother's heart... not only because he is showing me what a hard worker he is, but also because he wants to serve. He wants to help make a difference in the lives of these kids. He's heard his dad often say that one of the greatest ways we can minister is to hand a needy child a plate of food. My boy was listening!

Stefan and his dad have a special bond. A big part of that is the simple fact that they are so much alike. In fact, people who knew Lars as a kid tell me that seeing Stefan is like seeing Lars all over again. They talk about stuff that goes right over my head! I'm glad they have each other to talk "techie" to.

And I am glad that my boys have a dad who wants to be with his kids. As I type this, Stefan is back at the well with his dad, helping to fix yet another problem with the well that provides water to our entire campus. It would have been easy for Lars to say no, since I'm sure he's doing an awful lot of explaining and supervising a 10-year-old. But I'm grateful that he takes these moments to teach and encourage our boys.

This week, at one lunch time, one of the younger boys who is here as a Rancher came up to Lars and hugged him out of the blue. As we were talking about it later, I told Lars I believe it speaks to the need those boys have for a man to love and care about them. Most of them have dads who don't care. Some of them don't even know who their dad is. They need male role models who will pour into them and show them that they are worth something.

I am so grateful for a husband who cares about his kids and has committed his life to helping other kids find that love and hope. I am also grateful for the two incredible boys God has blessed us with. He has been far too good to me.

When I Am Afraid...

So the Lord God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this,

"Cursed are you above all the livestock
and all the wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.
And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head,
and you will strike his heel."

Genesis 3:14-15

I hate snakes. Even the ones that are harmless. I hate them and have always hated them. There is something very unsettling about those scaly creatures slithering about on the ground. Who would have ever thought I would be living in a place where I cross paths with diamondback rattlesnakes?

I have seen three of them in the past four weeks. Ugh. The first one was already dead by the time I saw it, thanks to my husband. The second was stretched out and lazy, non-threatening, although a bit frightening just because of its potential to become threatening. Last night, I stepped right next to one and watched it coil and rattle. I am thanking God for protecting me - and Lukas, who was a few feet ahead of me.

We have learned not to walk across the desert floor without a flashlight in the evening. Most of the campus here has sidewalks, except between the chapel and our house. That's where I had this little encounter.

I admit, it shook me up for a little while. Last night I was thinking, "Lord, I don't know if I can do this. I want to go back to Michigan where there are no rattlesnakes." And then I realized Satan was attacking me, trying to sabotage the ministry Lars and I now have at the Arizona Ranch.

I have absolutely loved being a part of the program here. I've been helping to lead songs in chapel, I've helped serve lunch, and the kids are talking to me at meal times. Some of them come to the Ranch regularly, so I know their names and they are getting to know our family. I've never been in a position where I've been directly with the kids like this before. I love it, and I love them.

And I'm sure this drives Satan nuts. He doesn't want me to be a witness to these boys and girls, because he wants their hearts. So he is trying to frighten me away. How fitting that he would use a snake to do it.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose words I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.... For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life." -Psalm 56:3-4a, 13

God has protected us. He will not stop now. Satan will not win this battle.

God's Ways are Higher than Ours

Today I was once again reminded that God's ways are higher than ours.

We are in the midst of our first full week of summer camp here at Youth Haven in Arizona. This morning, one of the girls who was here for the week became ill, which unfortunately sometimes happens.

While she was waiting for her parents to come pick her up, our Health Officer, Joy, took her to the First Aid apartment to rest. They had a chance to talk one-on-one, and the topic of the previous evening's chapel came up.

Chapel had focused on John 3:16, and Joy herself had been the staff member who gave the plan of salvation to the kids. Now, here she was with a sick child, having the opportunity to talk to her personally about what had been shared.

In the course of the conversation, the little girl accepted Christ as her Savior.

Joy was so excited about it when she told me. "She accepted Christ before she went home," she said. "If I hadn't had that one-on-one time with her, I don't know if she would have."

All of us felt bad that she was sick and had to go home. But God had a plan and purpose for her illness. It provided an opportunity for Joy to help her understand how to enter the family of God. And she asked Jesus into her heart!

As a mom, I don't want bad things to happen to my kids. I hate it when they're sick, hurt, or sad. I want them to be happy and healthy. No tears, no pain. When they hurt, I hurt.

My problem is, I don't see the big picture the way God does. And the truth is, when He allows those things into my kids' lives, He intends to use them for His good and perfect purpose.

I am grateful that both of my kids have accepted Christ as Savior. And if it had come as a result of pain or illness, I would be grateful for that catalyst.

Sometimes it's hard to let go of what I want and trust in God's plan. But I must, and I will. After all, His ways are higher than mine.

God's Protection

When I praise my Father in spite of my fear, Satan is defeated and God's peace washes over me. Psalm 8 and Psalm 91 are two of my favorites in those times.

I memorized Psalm 91 several years ago when I began struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. I find that those nights when I have trouble falling asleep because my thoughts are racing, it helps to recite Scriptures like these:

Psalm 91:9-13

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

Many nights I have lain awake, going over and over these verses in my mind. Today I saw this promise fulfilled - particularly verse 13.

The boys and I were getting ready to walk over to the other side of the Youth Haven campus here in Arizona. Kids were scheduled to begin arriving for registration in a few minutes, and I help by babysitting our Children's Program Director's 2-year-old so that he and his wife can be there to register the children.

Stefan went out the door first, I followed, and Lukas came out behind me. There was an arrow lying on the ground, and Lukas bent over to pick it up.

"Mom, there's a rattlesnake at our door," he said.

At first I didn't think it was alive. It wasn't coiled, it was just stretched out along the wall next to our door. All three of us had stepped within inches of its head. Then I saw its tongue flick out, and I knew it was alive.

Let's just say we hurried away from the house and found Lars, who headed back to play the role of exterminator. I will not be stepping out the front door or allowing the boys to step outside without checking from now on!

Last night, we had the staff over for the final evening of summer orientation. We were asked to share with each other our favorite verse, or one that is especially meaningful in our lives. I had shared that Psalm 91 was particularly meaningful to me. I'm tempted to say it's ironic that I saw the promises contained in those verses fulfilled the very next morning, but it's not irony. That's how God works.

I have prayed for God's protection while we are in Arizona this year, and I know others are praying for us as well. I should be expecting that He will protect us. It's just so much easier to say it than it is to believe it. Sometimes I feel like my faith is so small when I allow something like a rattlesnake to stir up fear within me.

Today I had the opportunity to say to my boys, "Let's thank God for protecting us." We came to Arizona to do His work. I realize now that He also brought us here to help us grow. I pray that I will be responsive to His cultivation.

Happy Birthday, Lukas!

Eight years ago today, I welcomed my "baby" into the world.

Lukas has brought so much joy into my life, I can't even begin to express what a blessing from God he is. He is so loving and caring, very thoughtful and always thinking of other people. I can already see the gift of encouragement emerging in him, even at a young age. It's no wonder all the girls at school loved Lukas! (The blond hair and blue eyes help, too, I think.)

This was a very unusual day for me - hard in some ways and really good in other ways.

My family got together back in Michigan, and it was hard to realize they were all enjoying the day together and we were not there. My mom called Lukas this morning from my sister's house, so he was able to talk to his grandparents and cousins. I think that meant a lot to him. He also got to talk to his grandparents on the Carlson side of the family. But even though we had celebrated his birthday with the family before we left, it was hard for me to realize he couldn't be with them on his birthday.

Then, we went to the "Deerlodge" (Youth Haven's dining room) for dinner, and our cook had made Lukas a birthday cake. Our Children's Program Director called him up to the front and all the staff and Ranchers sang "Happy Birthday" to him. The staff had all signed a birthday card for him, too. He was so happy that they had made such a fuss about his birthday.

I want so much for my kids to be happy. One of the biggest struggles for me regarding our year-long move to Arizona has been moving the boys so far away from our family. They're used to seeing their grandparents all the time, so this is a big change for them. I know they miss them, and that's not easy for a parent.

But I know we are doing the right thing. That has been reaffirmed to me so many times. It's almost as if I can feel God putting His hand on my shoulder, saying, "I know this is not easy, but I am with you. Just trust me, and I'll fill you with a joy you never knew was possible."

The way the staff responded to Lukas' birthday was just one example of that. It was such a blessing for me to see them love him and make him feel special today. No, we don't have our biological family here, but we have the next best thing. We have brothers and sisters in Christ, and we really are a family.

This evening, Lukas told me this was his best birthday ever. I'm so thankful that he's happy on his special day!

Homesick

I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling particularly homesick today.

I miss my mom and dad and the rest of my family back in Michigan. I miss worshiping at our church. I miss our friends from Lansing Christian. I miss green grass and planting spring flowers.

I really do love Arizona, and I am excited to see God's plan for the Youth Haven ministry out here unfold. I am still in awe that He would choose to use us as part of that plan.

But I'm still homesick. Change is hard. There is so much that is unfamiliar to me here. And as much as I do love it here, this place is not my home.

It's not surprising that I feel this way. I've always had a tendency to get homesick. On more than one occasion I had to be picked up from an attempted sleepover at a friend's house late at night. I got so homesick at Camp Barakel in 6th grade that I cried for the entire week. (My poor counselor!) So I fully expect to have days here and there when I miss home.

People say that "home is where you hang your hat," but I haven't necessarily found that to be true. Roots have a way of going down deep and refusing to be pulled out. It's hard, this moving on and leaving a part of you behind.

So this is what it means to follow Christ. It is being willing to go whenever and wherever He says to go. Being willing to put 2,000 miles between my parents and me. And committing wholeheartedly to His supremacy in my life.

Jesus said, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head" (Matthew 8:20). He is providing me a nice home, albeit one that is much farther away from my family and friends than I prefer to be. He is not asking too much of me. He will never ask too much of me. And in the scope of what He did for me, I don't think anything He could ask would be too much.

The truth is, whether I am in Michigan or Arizona, this world is not my home. I am blessed to know that my husband, my kids, my parents, and my siblings all know Christ. Someday we will live together forever in heaven. We will see Jesus face to face. And I will never be homesick again.

Interceding

This evening, God reminded me that He is much, much bigger than the molehills I constantly make into mountains.

Lars took me on a date this evening, and we went to see a movie. As we were coming out of the theater, I thought about the fact that Lukas' birthday is Saturday and we got him an iPod. I knew that Lars had wanted to get him a case for it, too, but we hadn't gotten it yet. I hadn't really planned on going to Best Buy, but since it was right near the theater we decided to stop quickly and pick up a case.

When we parked in the Best Buy parking lot and I got out of the van, I noticed there was someone sleeping in the backseat of the car parked next to us. I thought it was a little odd, so I mentioned it to Lars. We also noticed that there was an ambulance parked in front of the store, and just as we were walking up to the front doors, the EMT's were walking out. They had apparently just bought something from the store and were heading back to the ambulance.

Lars spoke up and told them about the guy sleeping in the car, so the male EMT went over to check and make sure he was okay. While he was talking to the guy in the car, the woman who appeared to be his partner was standing next to us and got a text message on her phone. She immediately walked over toward the ambulance, sat down on a bench nearby, and put her head in her hands.

Meanwhile, her partner wrapped things up with the guy in the car, told us everything was okay, and we went inside the store. But I couldn't stop thinking about that woman and the text she had received. I didn't know what was going on, but I felt prompted to pray for her.

Over the next several minutes, I kept praying for her and whatever situation was going on. I still don't know what happened, but God knows. When we pulled out of the parking lot, she was still sitting there with her head in her hands, and her partner was sitting beside her.

I was reminded of something Donna Partow said at Youth Haven's Ladies' Days last year. She said, "when God wants to intervene, He looks for someone who will intercede." As I thought about all the tiny little details that came together so that I was standing by that woman at the moment when she got that text... the unexpected stop at Best Buy, the guy sleeping in the car, the EMT's walking out at the exact moment we were going in... I realized that God had orchestrated that moment so that I could intercede for her.

I am so thankful that God would use me. And that He is big enough to fit together all the pieces to put His plan in motion. I want to be the person He looks for, the person who will intercede when He wants to intervene in someone's life. I am still praying for the woman I saw tonight, and I know that He will make His presence known to her.

A Visitor

A tarantula came to visit us tonight. It was our first sighting of the year. This is inside our garage, thankfully not in the house! Lukas said, "Can we keep him?" Lars thinks it's cool. I do not.

I love Arizona, but I'm not fond of the idea that there are creatures lurking in the shadows that could harm my family or me.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I was afraid of the dark as a kid. I still don't particularly like dark nights, and now I find myself wondering what is crawling around that I can't see... God is challenging me in new ways to rely on His strength!

Life Learning

Life is such a learning process.

I am discovering as I get older that the learning never stops, even when it has been 13 years since my college graduation. (Am I really that old?) And I am finding that we learn much more by experience than by the study of textbooks, at least practically speaking. Memorizing facts and reading about language and history can teach us a lot, but it's the life learning that makes us who we are.

My latest educational endeavor has come with learning how to live in Arizona. Although we are in the same country, there are definite differences between living in Michigan and living in Arizona. Here are a few of the things I have already learned:

• Water is as necessary as air out here. The rule of thumb is that you are supposed to drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces of water each day. That always seemed like a lot of water to me. Until this week. Now 1/2 my body weight doesn't even seem like enough. I have developed a deep affection for water.
• Do not wear black. At least not outside.
  
• You know those white, fluffy clouds that look like huge cotton balls floating in the sky? We don't have those here. The sky is pure blue, as far as the eye can see.
• King snakes are good. They kill rattlesnakes. King snakes are my friends.
• "Experts" in skin care say you should use sunscreen on a daily basis. Out here, you reapply it multiple times per day.
• The insects and arachnids, aka "creepy crawlies," look different and are generally much larger varieties in Arizona. But so far I have not seen a single mosquito.
• I have never loved my Mary Kay moisturizers more than I do now.
• Fruit and vegetables don't grow fuzzies on them if you keep them around too long. They just dry out.
• Landscaping in Arizona looks much different than it does in Michigan. Not only do we have to plant things that don't require much water, we also avoid low-to-the-ground bushes and shrubs that provide hiding places for unwanted critters like rattlesnakes.

I'm sure there will be a lot more education coming my way over the next year. I had a conversation with Stefan yesterday regarding the snakes, scorpions, and tarantulas. I told him it's good to be cautious, but we don't need to be afraid. We trust that God will protect us and work out His perfect plan in our lives. It's a piece of advice I've been giving to myself as much as to my son.

Our Trip to Arizona

An RV trip across the country is a fantastic way to spend time with your family. We had a great experience on our trip to Arizona, and so many people have told us we'll be grateful someday that we bought the RV when our boys were young.

Before we left, a friend loaned us the movie RV and we watched it. I have to be honest, there were a few times on the trip that we cracked up laughing because we felt like we were in the movie. But there was one line in the movie that has stuck with me. When the Robin Williams character explains to his wife why he has canceled their Hawaii trip and rented an RV instead, he says, "I'm running out of time with my kids."

Granted, he was not fully telling her the truth. But we have seen the truth in that statement as we have watched our little boys turn into 8 and 10 year old boys. They are growing up quickly, right before our eyes. The time to do these fun things and create these kinds of memories is most definitely now!

So, here are a few pictures of our trip.

The first night, we stopped at Camp Lakewood Campground in Effingham, Illinois. We made sandwiches for supper over the campfire, using the pie irons the boys got for their birthdays. Then we made s'mores, their favorite.

This was one of our RV experiences, when a couple who was camping nearby came over with wood to help us get our fire going. They were very friendly, very helpful, and very much like an older version of the Goernickes from the movie. (If you haven't seen it, now you'll have to go rent it so you know what I'm talking about.) I think they would have talked our ears off if the delivery guy hadn't arrived with their food.

We discovered that you can't really put in a 10-hour day of driving in an RV if you want to stay in a camp- ground, because most of them close their offices by 7 or 8 p.m. We didn't mind, though, because we really enjoyed our evenings together. The second night, we stopped at a KOA in Joplin, Missouri. They had a pond with huge catfish and turtles that you could feed. The boys had a blast. They're at such a great age, when they have some independence, but they still think it's cool to hang out with Mom and Dad.

The third night, we stopped at another KOA in Amarillo, Texas. Staying in an RV park is quite different from camping in a State Park in Michigan. You're pretty close to the other RV's, and most of them don't have campfire rings for you to use. This KOA had a great playground for the kids, though, and even a little doggie playground. They also delivered pizza right to our RV. This picture doesn't show the campground, but I love it because the boys laughed a lot on this trip, and I think I captured it well.

The last night we made it to Gallup, New Mexico. It was extremely windy all the way from Albuquerque to Gallup, with gusts up to 50 mph. The winds were still pretty strong when we stopped. I hadn't really prepared for the fact that we wouldn't be able to cook our suppers over a campfire every night, so the hot dogs I had brought remained in the fridge and we ran to Taco Bell. Then the boys played on the playground for a little while, but it was too windy to stay out too long, so we took advantage of the park's Cable TV and watched Scooby Doo.

Our final day of driving, we took a route that we had never taken before. It was through the mountains, and it was beautiful. I always love driving across the country and seeing how amazing our God's creation is. Arizona is so very different from Michigan, but they each have their unique beauty.

There were a few points when the driving was pretty intense for Lars, but we definitely saw God's protection and His hand at work in our lives throughout the trip. Just after we got through Oklahoma, they had devastating tornadoes rip through. Then, after we arrived in Arizona, we discovered that I-40 had been closed due to terrible storms, and that was the route we would have taken if we hadn't decided to take the more scenic route through the mountains. We are so grateful for God's protection and provision for us.

I can't begin to describe what a blessing this vehicle is to us. Instead of eating at fast food places, we were able to stop at truck stops and make our own lunches. A couple times we even fired up the generator so we could use the microwave. No hotels - we slept in beds that no one else slept in the night before. And we never had to use public restrooms the entire trip!

One final shot - Lukas watching Shrek in 3-D. This was too cute, so I had to include it.