It's Not Fair

This weekend I served on the worship team at our church for the first time since my dad passed away. I'll be honest, I didn't really want to go. Sundays are especially hard days for me. It was a Sunday morning that we received the awful phone call. And I knew it would be hard to sit on the stage and look out into the congregation, seeing my mom sitting there without my dad. I just wasn't sure I was ready for it.

I also knew I couldn't worship, much less lead worship, without baring my heart to God. I know He already knows what's there, but if I am to truly worship Him, I have to acknowledge it myself and give it to Him. So on Saturday, in the quiet car on my way to the church, I started to pray. Really pray.

And God showed me what was in my heart: It's not fair. It's not fair that I lost my dad when he was only 66. That he'll never get to see his grandchildren graduate or get married. That my mom is a widow at 62. That I can't call him or go see him anymore. That we didn't even get to have Christmas together.

I guess I was a little surprised at that revelation. It's hard to acknowledge that's what was in my heart. I want to be a better Christian than that, shaking my finger at God and whining, "That's not fair!"

Then, during our rehearsal, our worship leader read this section of Psalm 145 to us:

⁸ The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
    slow to anger and rich in love.

⁹ The Lord is good to all;
    he has compassion on all he has made.
¹⁰ All your works praise you, Lord;
    your faithful people extol you.
¹¹ They tell of the glory of your kingdom
    and speak of your might,
¹² so that all people may know of your mighty acts
    and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
¹³ Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
    and your dominion endures through all generations.

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises
    and faithful in all he does.
¹⁴ The Lord upholds all who fall
    and lifts up all who are bowed down.
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you,
    and you give them their food at the proper time.
¹⁶ You open your hand
    and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

¹⁷ The Lord is righteous in all his ways
    and faithful in all he does.
¹⁸ The Lord is near to all who call on him,
    to all who call on him in truth.
¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cry and saves them.
²⁰ The Lord watches over all who love him,
    but all the wicked he will destroy.

²¹ My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
    Let every creature praise his holy name
    for ever and ever.

When I wrote my blog post, "God is Only Good" back in  November, I had no idea I was going to lose my dad. It was a lot easier to say "God is good" in light of a possible amputation than it was as I tried to adjust to life without him here.

I needed this Scripture to remind me. The Lord is good to all. He is righteous in all His ways and faithful in all He does. He is near to us when we call on Him. He watches over all who love Him. That most definitely included my dad.

He was watching over my dad through everything: the amputations, the stroke, the dialysis sessions that left him feeling sick. He sent His angels to minister to my dad. And I know He drew my dad closer to Himself, because my dad told me so. The Thursday evening before he passed away, when we were talking on the phone, he told me he would go through it all again, just to be as close to the Lord as he was. And now God has blessed my dad by forever removing his pain and suffering.

He gave all three of us kids that special last phone conversation with my dad. He has given my mom the strength she needs to get through this. He gave us a special Thanksgiving together as a family, and He even prompted my dad to give the kids one of their gifts that day, so they actually received them from their grandpa. He didn't deny us Christmas together; He gave the kids the excitement of Christmas to help cheer their hearts after losing their grandpa. And my dad was there, really. His fingerprints were everywhere in our time together.

Then I thought about Christmas, and what God gave us that morning so long ago. If anything was not fair, it was the sacrifice Jesus had to make on the cross so that we could be restored to a relationship with our Father. Jesus took the punishment I deserve, and He did it willingly. Anything I have faced in this life pales in comparison to that.

I'm glad He forgives when I accuse Him of not being fair. That He is gracious and compassionate. Because if I am honest, "fair" would leave me eternally separated from God. So I will worship Him, not only during the Saturday and Sunday services, but with my life. And I pray that I will never again take the blood of Jesus for granted.

Our Year: 2012

2012 was certainly a year of both tremendous blessing and incredible sorrow for our family.

We began the year with a trip to Youth Haven in Arizona. It's always a blessing to leave the cold February Michigan temperatures for the warmth of sunny Arizona! The boys' favorite thing to do out there is to walk through the desert to the nearby railroad tracks. They are fascinated with trains, and it's always fun to watch the powerful machines race by just a few feet in front of you.

Our last day there, however, we learned that my Aunt Nancy had been hospitalized. We had been informed less that two months earlier that she had a very aggressive form of cancer. We prayed for healing; God chose to give her eternal healing when He called her home in the end of February. We were reminded of the importance of family through that experience. My uncle and cousins were incredible examples of grieving not as those who have no hope, but as those who have the promise of a glorious reunion in heaven.

In the spring, Stefan turned 12 and Lukas turned 10. It's unbelievable to me how fast they are growing! It seems that the older I get, the more quickly time marches on. They both played Little League baseball, and we had a great time going to the games. It was actually a little bit sad when the season ended. Stefan continues to play the piano, and even got involved with the worship team for Impact, the middle school youth group at our church. Lukas took some guitar lessons, but discovered he really wants to learn the snare drum and play in a marching band. He's looking forward to joining the youth group in January, when Trinity will begin a 5th and 6th grade program.

We had a chance to do some camping in the summer, including a two-week trip to the Mackinac Bridge area and the Upper Peninsula in the end of August. I even took my first ever zipline ride at the Mill Creek Discovery Park! We visited the Great Lakes Shipwreck Museum at Whitefish Point, Tahquamenon Falls, and Sleeping Bear Dunes on Lake Michigan as well. It was a great way to say farewell to the summer.

After much prayer and investigating our options, we decided to enroll the boys in Leslie Middle School this fall. To be honest, I was quite nervous about putting them in a public school, but we couldn't be happier about how the first part of the school year has gone. They have transitioned from homeschool to public school remarkably well. Their teachers are wonderful, they have made friends easily, and they are getting good grades. It has been affirmation that we made the right decision for them (especially as I try to help Stefan with math homework - I am glad he has a real math teacher!). Stefan broke his wrist on the playground the second week of school, but that has healed nicely. I don't think he'll be attempting anymore back-flips off the swing!

The first week of November, Lars and I had the privilege of going to Ireland as part of a missions trip with a few members of the worship team from our church. The purpose of our trip was to lead worship for an evangelism conference that was being held in Galway. Less that 1% of the Irish population is Christian, and most of those people have never been taught how to share their faith. It was amazing to visit two different churches there and get to know some of the people. Their passion for God and for the lost is a wonderful thing to witness, and very inspiring. We wanted to be a blessing to them, and they certainly were a blessing to us!

The day before Thanksgiving, we learned that my dad had lost the circulation in his remaining leg. The doctors allowed him to spend Thanksgiving at home with his family before admitting him to the hospital for surgery. We are so grateful to have had that special family time together with him. We had no idea at the time that it would be our last.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, my dad underwent surgery to amputate his right leg, above the knee. We all knew it would be a difficult adjustment for him to make, as a double amputee, but he was prepared to do whatever he needed to do. He was recovering well, building up his upper body strength, and working hard to learn the things the physical and occupational therapists wanted him to learn. We all expected him to be coming home soon.

But the Lord had other plans, and early the morning of Sunday, December 9, my mom received a call from the hospital that my dad had stopped breathing in his sleep and they were unable to revive him. It was a complete shock to us, because he had been doing so well and was supposed to have a day pass to come home that very day. This has definitely been a difficult time for my family, but again, we grieve not as those who have no hope, but as those who have the promise of a glorious reunion in heaven! My dad is whole again, completely healed and without any pain or sickness. We will miss him terribly, but we would never deny him the heavenly Christmas celebration he is experiencing! Even as we have gone through the last couple of weeks, I have seen God's hand in so many little things. My dad didn't want to leave his family, but he was completely at peace the last days of his life. He was ready for heaven. He was filled with joy and kept saying, "God is good. God is so good."

I don't know what the future holds for any of us. But I do know that God is good, just like my dad kept reminding us before God called him home. Whatever 2013 brings, in joy and in sorrow I will praise Him. I will enjoy every moment I can with my family. And I pray that I will not be afraid to tell others about the hope only Jesus can provide.

December 14, 2012

We buried my dad today. This week I have experienced the most excruciating heartache I have ever known. I loved my dad so much. Yet the verse that has continually come to my mind is from Luke 24:5-6: “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here…” At first, I pushed the verse out of my thoughts, thinking it was just my own subconscious wish that my dad could rise from the dead. But I truly believe God gave me that Scripture, because Christ’s resurrection conquered death. So as I was looking at my dad’s body, God was saying to me, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here!”

Dad was always so excited for Christmas. He couldn’t wait to give the kids their gifts. He loved having us all together and seeing everyone happy. And Dad knew the resurrection would not have been possible without the baby in the manger.

Christmas will be different for us this year, without a doubt. We will miss my dad terribly. But we will also celebrate the birth of a baby whose entire purpose for coming to this earth was to die on a cross and rise from the dead, conquering death. What amazing love! What an incredible gift!

It is comforting to know my dad is celebrating Christmas in heaven this year. He is not sick or in pain. He is probably organizing a heavenly ball game – football or baseball, either one. He is with my grandpa and my great-grandparents, whom he loved and missed dearly. And he is singing carols with the heavenly choir, face to face with his Lord and Savior.

This year, more than ever, I am thankful for the gift of Christmas and the promise of heaven. Please don’t miss the reason we celebrate.

Memories of My Dad

My dad is in the arms of Jesus. He had been doing so well after his second leg amputation, it was a shock to all of us when we received the news. He simply went to sleep and woke up in Heaven. He didn't want to leave us, but he was ready for heaven. I know he is no longer suffering, but still, it's hard to say goodbye to someone you loved so much, who had such a profound impact on your life and is such a vital part of who you are.

My earliest memory of my dad is sitting at a table inside McDonald's. I must have been about two years old at the time. For some reason, I didn't want to eat my hamburger. (I guess I was wise to the health hazards of eating McDonald's even then!) I remember my dad telling me that if I wasn't going to eat it, I had better watch out, because the Hamburglar would come and eat it. Well, I was goofing around and hid under the table. When I came back up, there was a giant bite out of my hamburger. I was convinced that the Hamburglar had come and eaten part of my hamburger! You better believe I ate the rest of it as fast as I could!

So, Dad was the Hamburglar as well as the tooth fairy. I had such a hard time pulling my teeth out when I was a kid. They would be ready to fall out, and I just couldn't make myself give them that final yank. Dad would call me over to him and I would beg him not to pull the tooth out. He would promise he wouldn't pull. But he never promised he wouldn't push. I would open my mouth and he would give the tooth a little push, and sure enough, out it would come. I fell for it every time. But I always felt so much better once the tooth was out!

Dad was also Santa Claus. Gift giving was most definitely his primary love language. How he loved to give! He would be so excited for Christmas, we would often each open one gift on Christmas Eve, simply because he couldn't wait. He found such incredible joy in searching for the perfect gift for each one of us and watching us tear open the wrapping paper to discover it there.

My dad was a great kid at heart, and I have so many memories of him playing with us. His laugh could fill a room. Sometimes he would get us giggling just because he was laughing. Even my cousins remember our made-up games like "Lock, Lock, Tickle, Lock" and "Tickle Pig." When we were little, he would lie on the floor as we would climb on him, roll him around, and wrestle with him. As soon as we were big enough to hike a football, we were outside playing football with him. We had great Kirkland Wiffle Ball World Series tournaments every summer (we girls always won) and squirt gun wars. Our house was the neighborhood hang out; all our friends wanted to play at our house because there was always something fun going on in our yard.

Vacation was something he eagerly anticipated every year. The day after we came home from one vacation, he would start planning the next vacation. Most of the time we camped, and most of the time it rained. I swore that when I got married I would never go camping again, but the truth is, I have so many fond memories of our camping trips together as a family... sitting around the campfire telling stories and laughing, finding the perfect walking stick for each hike, fishing (and casting half my pole into the water along with the bait), and seeing so many different things in our beautiful state.

Dad especially loved the mountains. We had an opportunity to drive to Oregon in 1982 (my mom and dad, three kids, and my aunt in a Ford Grenada - what in the world were they thinking?!) to visit my dad's aunt's family. I will never forget the majestic mountains of Glacier National Park, the Grand Tetons, the Sister's Mountain Range in Oregon, and Mt. St. Helens. Several years later, we took a trip to Estes Park, Colorado, where we explored the Rocky Mountains for the first time. Dad fell in love with the Rockies, and I'm pretty sure his mansion in heaven is a log cabin nestled at the foot of a snow-capped mountain range.

He is also a the primary reason I became such a die-hard Michigan State fan. Well, he and my grandpa. Dad loved to watch the games, even if he spent most of the game yelling at the TV. We tried to tell him the players and coach couldn't hear him, but he just couldn't help himself. He was so proud of "his boys" when they won. Even after I was married, he rarely called without mentioning a football or basketball game.

Dad was always involved in our lives. My friends thought it was so cool that he ate supper with us every evening. He came to all our games, concerts, and plays. We knew he was proud of us. But it was more than just the time he spent with us that mattered. It was the way he cared. The way he understood. The way he loved us completely and unconditionally. He understood my fears and never made me feel like I was silly or wrong for having them. When I was in elementary school, he even put a mattress under my bed so he could pull it out and lie on the floor in my room when I was afraid at night. I was never afraid when he was there. As I got older, we would talk. Dad would encourage, challenge, and help me through my fears. He knew my heart better than anyone.

He was a wonderful grandpa to my boys and father-in-law to my husband, too. He was so proud of them. He loved it when the boys would come over and Stefan would try to sneak in, and then Lukas would loudly announce, "Grandpa, we're here!" He came to their Little League games, even after dialysis when he was feeling sick. He loved to watch them play. They spent hours together on golf cart rides, making s'mores in the backyard fire pit, and talking about tractors. They have quite an extensive collection of cap guns and model John Deere tractors that will be precious reminders of Grandpa. And he was such a source of encouragement to Lars in his ministry at Youth Haven. He couldn't have loved him more if he had been his own son.

My dad was a great pastor. He loved preaching the Word of God and was never afraid to speak the truth. He truly cared about the people in his congregation, and was especially burdened for the youth. His greatest desire was to see them grow into young men and women who loved and served God wholeheartedly. He was filled with joy when things were going well, and grieved with them when times were hard. And he didn't just talk about faith. He lived it.

I watched my dad go through a lot of hard times in this life, and he was an incredible example to me of what it means to be a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ. He knew hard times would come, but he also knew God would be his strength. The steadfast faith of my dad and mom carried our family through some pretty tough moments and helped the three of us kids form the faith to which we cling today.

There is so much more I could say about my dad, but there just isn't enough space to say it all. How do you summarize a man's life in a blog post, anyway? His life impacted so many others, mine most of all. What an incredible man he was!

The last time I spoke with him, he said to me, "Some journeys you wouldn't choose for yourself, but you look back and know it was worth it." He was thankful for his struggles because they brought him closer to the Lord.

I will always love my dad. I will always miss him. I will cherish the memories and look forward to the day I will be reunited with him in heaven. I have been blessed to call him "Dad."