My Story, Part 2

This is Part 2 of my testimony. If you haven't read Part 1 yet, please read that post first. I believe God has given me this experience so that I might be able to offer hope and encouragement to others who are going through similar circumstances. So, here is My Story, Part 2...

Some people have more of a tendency to worry than others. My mom and my husband are alike in their ability to just trust God and leave it at that. There's no point in worrying over what we can't control anyway, so why borrow trouble? They seem to take everything in stride. Why can't it be so easy for me?

The problem is, we have a hard time understanding each other when it comes to fear and anxiety. Lars has earned a lifetime of my gratitude for sticking with me and supporting me through all of this, but he has never really been able to understand my struggle.

My dad, on the other hand, knew exactly what I was going through. He, too, has had to overcome worry. I've always been "Daddy's girl," even from the time I was a toddler, and I think it's because I am my Dad all over again, only in female form. My dad is also one of the most godly men I know, so when I decided I had to face this battle head-on, he was the first person I called.

I was actually surprised when he suggested making an appointment with my doctor to discuss the physical symptoms I was experiencing. My doctor listened to everything I had to say and then recommended two different types of medication to help: one that I took every day and one that I took only when I was having a panic attack.

I share this part of my story for two reasons. First, I did not want to resort to medication because it felt like then there must really be something wrong with me. There tends to be a negative feeling about medications that target what could be considered psychological symptoms. If you are in my shoes, do not tell yourself that lie! There is nothing wrong with taking a medication your doctor deems medically necessary, and relying on medication doesn't make you a bad person any more than taking insulin makes a diabetic a bad person.

The second reason I share this is because it was an important step in my realization that I couldn't conquer the fear and worry on my own. No, the medications did not solve all my problems. They were expensive, and they had side effects. But they did help control the physical symptoms so that I could, with a clear purpose and focus, examine what was lacking in my spiritual life and causing such irrational emotional responses.

My dad was an important part of this process, too. He insisted that I had to be spending time reading the Bible, and quite honestly I had let my daily Bible study slip. He suggested the book of Ephesians as a good starting point, and we took one section at a time. He would call me every week and we would discuss what I had read.

As I read through that book, which I had read through many times before, God opened my eyes to the truth of who I am in Jesus. I realized that I did not doubt God's sovereignty. I knew He was sovereign and in control; I had been taught that my whole life. What I doubted was His goodness. I knew God had the power to protect my children, but I wasn't sure that He would. I was afraid His will might be different from my will.

The truth I saw in the book of Ephesians was twofold:

1) He chose me before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight, and He did this in love. The God who created the universe loves me enough to choose me as His child and forgive all my sins, even though it meant sending His Son to die on the cross! I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my kids because I loved them so much, and yet God was willing to sacrifice His own Son for me. If He loves me that much, how can I question His good and perfect will for my life – or for my children?

2) When I accepted Christ as my Savior, I was washed in His blood and received access to the power that raised Him from the dead. I know that in myself I do not have the strength to endure the hardships of this world. But I do not have to be strong in myself, because the power of Christ in me enables me to handle anything that comes my way. God will not allow anything to happen in my life that He will not also give me the strength for.

Once I realized that my fear and worry stemmed from a refusal to submit to God’s control in my life, I confessed that. Knowing I was in a spiritual battle, I began to pray for victory over Satan. It definitely didn’t happen overnight, but I am happy to say that God delivered me from that dark time in my life. I am no longer taking medication, and I have not experienced a panic attack in over four years. I know the reason is that I have surrendered to God’s will and rely on His strength from day to day.

I can't say that I am now 100% worry-free. But I'm not sure I want to be, because that tendency to worry is what keeps me dependent upon God. I am grateful for this experience in my life, because it has taken me to a whole new level of intimacy with my Heavenly Father!